DragonBlog

Wild and Wacky Tuesday

Dear Diary...download mobilephonetools 1.23

Yeah, that's kinda what this is sometimes, and this is that kind of post. I haven't been able to post this past week for a variety of reasons involving business, my little boy and the occasional bit of laziness. The One-Minute-Eleven-Second intervals haven't quite been as productive when you have a small child decide he'll only take naps if it's face-down on your chest. At the same time, I'm having a little trouble discouraging having that angelic little face snoring peacefully up at me...download mobilephonetools 1.23

But today has been one of those days that one just ought to put down for future reference. For one thing, I went into the City today. Yes, I capitalized it - the City scares me these days, I've turned into a country mouse of sorts and the City is big and loud and cold and windy (duh... it's Chicago...) and full of people who are rushing to and fro without ever looking anyone around them in the eye. And it started snowing last night. And City driving scares me to begin with... now add four or so inches of snow... *shudder*download mobilephonetools 1.23

But we'd scheduled the appointment, Brian had taken off work, and so we bundled little Jareth up in a warm fuzzy snowsuit and headed off. We allowed extra time for the snow equaling messy traffic and managed to get there intact and ahead of schedule. Good thing on the "intact" bit, as we were there to sort out our wills and such to reflect that we now have a son. We got a quick bite to eat and then met with our lawyer who got all our legal jumbles straightened out. We left with the knowledge that we'll have plenty of crisp new sheets of fine print to sign in the near future.download mobilephonetools 1.23

After tracking down the parking garage again and finding the car, we were ready to head off... home early with time to write some blogs perhaps? Think again, campers!download mobilephonetools 1.23

As I'm pulling out of the parking spot, some guy is waving and trying to say something to me... Incidentally, this isn't the first time this has happened to me in the City, but it's still no less scary. I was somehow led to understand that everyone in the City has the potential to be a mean and nasty person who wants nothing better than to hurt you in some way or another... The only times I remember going into the city as a child were to go on field trips to the museums with school classes. Anytime I go there of my own accord, something happens - My muffler falls off the car, I get totally lost and am hours late getting back, I forget to bring a BOTTLE to make formula in for my son (had the formula and water, but no bottle)... to name a few. Today, was a flat tire.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Once I ascertained that the guy wasn't a threat, and that I did, indeed, have a flat tire, I tried to say thank you, but my initial reaction of "SHIT!" was probably less than heartwarming.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Then we proceeded with the "changing of the tire". We got out the crappy jack that comes with the vehicle and the spare. The spare tire looks like something you'd put on a dirt bike for goodness sake! At first, we had trouble getting the lug nuts off, and we were going to call for roadside assistance... then ANOTHER nice guy tells us that they offer help with changing flat tires at the garage we're parked in. Brian went off to find one of the guys who worked there, while I chatted briefly with the gentleman who made the suggestion. He then talked me through getting the lug nuts loose with the wimpy tire iron I had. I had two of them loose by the time Brian got back, and we had the tire almost off by the time the garage guy showed up with a GOOD tire iron/lug nut thingy. THAT guy stayed until we got the spare on the car and helped us get the lug nuts all tight again (since he had a GOOD lug nut thingy).download mobilephonetools 1.23

Wow. THREE helpful total strangers in ONE day? In the CITY? I never thought I'd see the day... must not be such a bad city after all...download mobilephonetools 1.23

Then we drove home in the icky snow/salt. I say that, because the tires kicking the dirty, salty snow up onto my windshield must have resulted in using at least HALF my windshield wiper fluid just to be able to see. And then there was the slight leeeaann to the car from the spare, which had next to no traction in the snowier parts of the road. And, there was that bit on our way out of the city where rush hour is just starting to commence... fortunately, Jareth slept through almost the whole ride home.download mobilephonetools 1.23

We grabbed a drive-thru dinner, as we were starving by that point, and then went to the house where Brian called to make sure we could get the tire fixed tonight. He went off and did that, while I took care of Jareth's dinner and some playtime (he'd been SO good all day!) and a little relaxation with solitaire on the computer while he was drinking some formula in my lap. (ah, the things a mother can do one-handed)download mobilephonetools 1.23

Brian snowplowed the driveway when he got back, we relaxed some, and then off to bed.download mobilephonetools 1.23

You'd think that'd be the end of the day...
You'd be wrong...download mobilephonetools 1.23

I've been having trouble sleeping as it is, so I wasn't asleep yet when it happened...download mobilephonetools 1.23

Thump-thu-THUMP!download mobilephonetools 1.23

Now imagine that in a version that sounds like metal hitting rubber, and shakes the whole house from the loudness of it. Scared the CRAP nearly out of me! Naturally, like any good wife, I sent my husband to find the source of the scary noise. Yes, I do wuss out and get all girly when I'm scared.download mobilephonetools 1.23

So, the day wraps up with a police car, fire truck, fireman's car, police SUV, and an ambulance... the latter of which is parked in front of my house - thus blocking my nosy view of the "scene of the crime"... (insert ominous music here)download mobilephonetools 1.23

Turns out, somebody was driving too damned fast for the a) speed limit and b) weather conditions. He/she/it careened into the corner opposite us (we're at a T-intersection on the non-cornered side) and first flattened a street sign before knocking over a streetlight! It's been decided that they must have been driving a heavier vehicle, like a truck or an SUV, since they managed to drive off afterwards. The ambulance driver said that they'll most likely end up in the hospital and get found anyway, as they probably broke the windshield in the impact and have an injury of some kind. (yes, I sent poor Brian out to find out the details - it had SCARED me, alright? Then I was jealous that I couldn't hear for myself...but I had NO makeup on! I couldn't go out there like THAT!)download mobilephonetools 1.23

After all the fuss, I couldn't fall asleep for SURE. *sigh*download mobilephonetools 1.23

Last I peeked, the electric company guy had shown up and was chatting with the one remaining police officer who got stuck with the job of sticking around to make sure people don't mess with exposed wires (and probably do paperwork).download mobilephonetools 1.23

Well, knowing what happened at least helps curb my imagination on all the things the noise might have been. And now that I've had my story... good night.download mobilephonetools 1.23

The Path of Most Resistance (or, A Trip Down Memory Lane)...

So, naturally, when I saw that there was a comment on my last post, I thought - download mobilephonetools 1.23

"Oh shit, who did I offend..."download mobilephonetools 1.23

Thus, the first thing I looked at was WHO had posted, and much to my surprise...download mobilephonetools 1.23

"Hi Griff!!" *waves across the Internet*download mobilephonetools 1.23

Now here's a friend I actually miss... not that I don't miss most of the people I actually called "friend", but there are some people who could crawl out of the woodwork and I'd smile politely and wonder what the hell to say to. Like (insert random name of most rich-kid jocks or preppy cheerleaders from high school).download mobilephonetools 1.23

Ironically, now that I've come out of the closet on my total geekdom concerning roleplaying and computers (stuff I wasn't allowed to really have a chance to experience properly back then or I'm sure it would have come sooner) I am more like to wonder what happened to all the "geeky" people I was "too cool" (or rather, trying desperately to be) to bother with in high school. I guess I'll maybe find out when the next reunion comes along and they're all multimillionaire CEOs of some company or other and now "too cool" to bother with me.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Bummer. We need more roleplaying geeks to play with where I live, but I haven't figured out where to find ones my own age. Would be a plus if they had little kids for mine to play with too. Damn... looks like I'm still gonna have to join some community class or other to actually meet other people. My own neighborhood hasn't been very yielding on potential friends. Unfortunately, the language barrier has probably been to blame.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Note to self: One of these days, learn spanish. damnit. French did me NO good, whatsoever. The "language of love" was not very practical.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Whatever happened to the friends we made in High School? Of mine, I reconnected with a few through the reunion, but only briefly as they drifted off back into their own lives where they could leave the painful reminders of our overly-emotional, puberty-stricken years behind. If only we had known what we do now, when we had the freedom then...download mobilephonetools 1.23

A few notes for current high school kids:download mobilephonetools 1.23

1. Homework? BAH! You can do it. Just wait until you gotta figure out your own taxes! Or come up with the paperwork required to get a mortgage!download mobilephonetools 1.23

2. College - go, finish, GET the degree. I only have my AA, but at least that does get me a slight edge and pay hike over the person without one. I hope to finish the bachelors one day, but it would have been so much easier if I'd had the opportunity to do it all at once and be done with it.download mobilephonetools 1.23

3. Career - pick one that sounds like you'll love doing it and go for it. Don't try to go for the one that will make you more money unless you WANT to do that for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! Otherwise, you are almost guaranteed to suffer poorly when you hit the midlife crisis stage.download mobilephonetools 1.23

4. Parents - In most cases, they WILL love you, no matter what. If you dropped mom's best china or wrecked dad's car, they DO still love you. And reminding you over and over again of what insensitive, ungrateful things you did in your youth is just their way of saying it.download mobilephonetools 1.23

5. Youth - you can't get it back. As you get older, you have more and more things that require your attention. Have some serious fun with your free time while you can.download mobilephonetools 1.23

6. Drugs/Sex - Don't. Wait on sex until you're ready. Don't just jump in because someone else thinks THEY'RE ready. You don't have to have had sex or done drugs to be cool. And then there's that whole drugs thing - For the love of all, DON'T! You're gonna need and want those brain cells back later.download mobilephonetools 1.23

7. Teachers - give 'em a break, they mean well. They were your age once too you know.download mobilephonetools 1.23

As for my friends in high school, there's only been one whom I've kept in any real contact with, and we still tend to drift apart more each year, despite our efforts to the contrary. We live different lives, and though we still enjoy each other's company, we have less in common than we used to.download mobilephonetools 1.23

I often think of high school as some of the darkest years of my life. But, in other ways, I sometimes miss it.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Warning! Off-Topic Rant...

Ever had one of those days you just want to bitch-slap someone? *sigh*download mobilephonetools 1.23

I've been having a bad evening.... and I know, I know, It's all part of the experience, but reminding myself of that doesn't remove all of the sting I feel. If it did - I wouldn't be really living, now would I?download mobilephonetools 1.23

That said, I think one of the lessons I've been dropped into this life to learn has to do with being made to feel like an autumn leaf: Soaring and sailing along beautifully as I fall through the air until some damned car comes by and smacks me against the front grill for a while until I fall off and get ground to dust underneath it's serious offroad tires...download mobilephonetools 1.23

Okay, so that may be a slight exaggeration... what do you want? I'm feeling bummed.download mobilephonetools 1.23

I feel like I always get to come in second to most people I know lately...download mobilephonetools 1.23

Checked the reporting on my web stuff... I average 1.6 visitors a day right now, even though I put my new (purchased) domain address on the almost 50 Christmas newsletters we sent out this year. I guess I'm just not exciting enough for people. I have four people who supposedly DO read this thing, and I can only guarantee ONE of them with any regularity - my husband.download mobilephonetools 1.23

My sister is in from college this weekend - Friday through Monday... she can make a smidge of time for me midday on Saturday so she can pick up money from her trust fund for tuition. Too bad she doesn't want to see ME at all. And nevermind that she supposedly LIVES here at the moment. But I don't live as conveniently close to her friends as she would like, for one. I may just not be here... I'll leave the check with Brian and go run the errands like I was planning to. I'm tired of rewriting MY schedule around everyone else's whim.download mobilephonetools 1.23

My uncle and I see each other exactly 4 times per year now that all the rest of my family is dead. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and one random time when he wants coffee and thinks to bother calling me. You'd think with there only being three people LEFT ALIVE in my family that we'd actually want to keep in touch? I guess I must be wrong. Then again, somewhere in his mind I must still be a child - he never takes me seriously anyway, but treats me as if I just can't possibly know anything about anything. Except for stories that put our dead family members in bad light - he's more than willing to share THOSE stories with me, but I'm not even well-read enough to be worthy of theatre discussions seeing as I only studied theatre for three years while getting my Associates Degree...download mobilephonetools 1.23

I've spent the last god-only-knows-how-many years bending over backwards when people ask me to do stuff for them, trying to ingraciate myself to them and make myself a good hostess when people are over and help out when I think I might be needed to. I've wanted myself to seem, hopefully, like the type of person who's good to have around. In the office jobs I've had, I've tried to seem irreplaceable, and in some ways I've tried to carry that over with family and friends. I end up trying too hard to be funny, helpful or whatever - I guess it comes off wrong in the process. Whenever I come to a situation in life where someone asks me who, outside of my home, my "support group" is... download mobilephonetools 1.23

Lately, I can only really list one person. And that's my mother-in-law. Thanks to small miracles, I think she approves of me far more than my own mother did. At least she's been going through the effort of trying to understand me some.download mobilephonetools 1.23

My mother-in-law, for example, was allowed to stay and witness the birth of our son. I think I would have throttled my own mother, had she been there.download mobilephonetools 1.23

I give thanks daily for my husband and my mother-in-law. My son, too, shows he cares for me in his own way - smiles and laughter and bright shining eyes can say so much.download mobilephonetools 1.23

But why is it that I have to make excuses and justifications when I want something done MY way or on MY time? Why is it that old friends don't call me but then get upset that I don't call them? I don't get upset... well, I DO, I just never SAY anything... how come they get to say something and I don't? My mom taught me not to be rude... didn't other moms teach that too? I know Brian's mom did...download mobilephonetools 1.23

And by the way. I hate calling people on the phone. I don't know why, call it phone-a-phobia, or whatever, but I hate it. The only person I'll spontaneously pick up the phone and dial is my husband at work - and half the time it's because I want to ask or tell him something specific, and not really spontaneous at all. Brian is similar on the phone - It's amazing that pizza gets ordered when we keep trying to pass the buck on who makes the call.download mobilephonetools 1.23

"Okay hon, the mushroom-onion-garlic sounds great! I think the baby needs changing, so I'll take care of that while you call it in, okay?"download mobilephonetools 1.23

Imagine when changing a poopie diaper is preferable to calling in a pizza!download mobilephonetools 1.23

And I'm not good at answering the phone either - I got told I sound kinda dubious when I pick it up, and it's true. 90% of the phone calls I get are from telemarketers anyway, and I DON'T want to talk to them.download mobilephonetools 1.23

So the best way to get ahold of me is to get together or e-mail me. I do answer e-mail (despite what some might tell you), especially if it's a short conversational e-mail and doesn't require me to sit for an hour composing a two-year biography of what I've been doing... which wouldn't be necessary if people kept in touch, now would it?download mobilephonetools 1.23

GRRRAAARRRGH!download mobilephonetools 1.23

*lets her inner dragon out to go piss on the neighbor's lawns in the exact spots they sit while having their loud parties*download mobilephonetools 1.23

Okay. I feel a little better now. Maybe. Now if people would just stop putting me down on their shedules in pencil - as the "flexible" one - maybe I'd actually start feeling good.download mobilephonetools 1.23

I probably shouldn't hit the "post" button on this one. I should probably just delete it and not post at all tonight. But then again, I figure I can only offend maybe half of the four people who read this, and nobody really posts much in the way of comments anyway.download mobilephonetools 1.23

In such a vulgar world, I'm getting sick of being polite.download mobilephonetools 1.23

And I think I'm also coming off of a cynical edge from reading a comic I found, I think linked off Neil Gaimen's site. I'll have to drop a link to it in the sidebar for myself.download mobilephonetools 1.23

okay, okay... /rant offdownload mobilephonetools 1.23

I think I'd better go to bed now. I have that stupid song The sun will come out...Tomorrow from "Annie" running through my head right now. Bet yer bottom dollar that that's a BAD sign...download mobilephonetools 1.23

Infinite Souls (part 2)

Yesterday was part 1, the first thing I wrote after having the epiphany. Sometime last year, I wrote again - another effort to begin writing all of it down, as I still felt so strongly in my beliefs. This is that second effort:download mobilephonetools 1.23

During the month of my 30th birthday, I saw my soul reflected in a falling raindrop. I lunged forward, the drop splashing across my fingers. As the dampness seeped into my skin, I saw. For the first time in my life, I understood. I knew the meaning of life as it pertains to me. And though the water sifted away between my fingers, the residue has stayed with me. I have moments of perfect clarity, total understanding of my place in this universe. I cannot fully explain what I now know – each person must find it for his or herself. I can only explain how I see it, and hope that it will help another understand it, when they are ready to see it too. Not all are ready. We all walk the path alone, yet in perfect harmony with one another. Since my realization, my “mantra” is this:download mobilephonetools 1.23

learn
grow
bedownload mobilephonetools 1.23

Life is, in many ways, an illusion. It’s all part of an elaborate self-development, and we all perceive it differently. Like fingerprints, there are no two of us alike. We’ve had different experiences, and different emotions during those experiences we’ve shared. We are in this life now because we chose to be. When united with our soul, after our last journey, we made decisions about what we wanted to experience next and chose what kind of life we needed to lead in order to have those experiences and learn from them. I chose this life. The good and the bad. I only hope I am learning all that I can from it.download mobilephonetools 1.23

When thinking about this, I address death. The end of this journey. Is this a bad thing? I now think upon death, not as the end of this life, but as a beginning of a new journey. People who grieve for those who have died are not actually grieving for the one who died, but are really grieving for their own loss.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Reincarnation is not all that simple either. Many people see reincarnation as someone coming back to this journey for a different experience. In some cases, this will be true, but I cannot see it as limited by that. Perhaps in my next life I’ll choose to be the unfortunate alien who lands on a hostile planet, or maybe I’ll just be a piece of space dust for a bit, or even a six-dimensional frog. It all depends on what I feel will give me the experience I need next. What I need to do to learn the next lesson.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Some people would rather use “heaven” and “hell” for where the “dead” go next. It could really be either. If you feel you’ve “sinned” in this life and need the experience of paying for those sins then you might very well create your next journey to be a bit “hellish”. Or perhaps you’ll want the next life to be a bit more serene or whatever your version of “heaven” would be, to give yourself a change from your perception of this one. In a way, most aspects of most religions seem to merely mirror what I’ve seen within myself. It’s all a matter of how you perceive it, as well as what it is you need yourself to perceive.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Some might argue that I am suggesting that life is merely something we are “along for the ride” on. I feel that is missing the point. We chose already. We decided ahead of time how this life should be, so yes, we are along for the ride. But what we do have control over is how much we gain from this experience. If we don’t learn and grow from this journey, we can only expect to repeat it later on. I want to keep learning. To keep growing. To truly be. And if there is a point where I spend my time just “being” infinite – I want to know that I am all that I should be, could be, wanted myself to be. I want to be able to take pride in a lesson well learned.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Infinite Souls (part 1)

Yesterday was the preface. Now, to truly dive in, I will drop in this newly edited version of something I wrote just after having my "epiphany" in April of 2002. I've made a few changes to it, to hopefully make it read more clearly...download mobilephonetools 1.23

INFINITE SOULSdownload mobilephonetools 1.23

We are infinite. A difficult concept to wrap our minds around. We are the essence of our souls, the soul being the part of us that is the infinite being. We are not human, or alien, not black or white, not Christian or Jewish. We do not fit into any one little niche within the universe. We have no beginning or end. We were never born and we will never die. We are immortal on both ends of the spectrum. We are endless.download mobilephonetools 1.23

We seek the answer to life, with each life we journey through, but the answer IS the journey. We learn. We grow. That is why we are here now and that is why we were there before and why we will be there then. We learn and grow.download mobilephonetools 1.23

In this current life, this current plane that we exist in now, we are meant to learn something. Something that will help us grow and experience. In the next life we will be given a new task. It will not end, we will not run out of tasks to complete, reasons to exist, for we never have before. We cannot. Each minute of this life, each moment, that we breathe and smell and see and hear and taste, is part of our being. Part of the reason we exist. So breathe in, taste the air, and let it imprint on your memory, your soul and impact your future.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Each cause and effect that occurs in this life, no matter how trivial, affects us permanently for this life and each one forever into the future. We have no nice little box within which we exist, no point where the line begins and ends that we can identify to make sense of. We learn, we grow, we move on the next journey within which we learn and grow again in a different way. download mobilephonetools 1.23

We are each part of the intricate universe and, in order to better wrap our minds around that universe and it's infinity, we have named it God. We give it a personality with similarities to ourselves in order to help us make rhyme and reason of it. In order to help us not be afraid. In this life, this plane, we fear our infinity, yet we also cling to it. We create "heaven" a place to follow death where we will BE infinite and in that creation we no longer have to fear infinity. We believe in that next place, that "heaven" as being better than what we are experiencing now. That's because it WILL be. "Heaven" is not a place, but is the next life. And we will take with us what we have learned in this one and the next life will be better for it. If we do not grow, do not learn from this life, we might re-live it, in order to gain the lesson that we truly needed ourselves to learn during this one. It is really an endless journey of self-actualization. download mobilephonetools 1.23

For instance, one person might finish this life thinking he or she left no real "mark", no impact on those around them to the extent they might have desired. Perhaps it was really a matter of needing that experience. Perhaps he or she needed to go through a life of anonymity. If that same person, at the end of their journey, still felt content with how they lived that journey, with what they learned, with who they were, then that anonymity was a lesson they learned. They learned to be happy with the person they were. Perhaps they learned that the desire itself was unnecessary. Each person's journey is their own, but at the same time each person's journey is intertwined with everyone else's. We are all one, united and intermixing with each other in the universe. The universe is infinite, but so is time, and we will all travel through it together.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Imagine, if you will, what it would be like if the world was two-dimensional. It is hard to wrap one's mind around a world where there was height and width, but no depth. We, in this plane, in this moment of our existence, live in a three-dimensional world. We cannot see the two dimensional. Everything we see and touch has depth to it. So those who are living within that two-dimensional plane cannot see us either, as they cannot imagine what depth is. Imagine, if you will, a world with a fourth dimension. Height, width, depth and another - perhaps time as a dimension, since that is one that we've mentally explored within this dimension but still cannot grasp our minds around completely. Hence, we cannot move ourselves forwards and backwards through time at will. Perhaps, when we've learned enough and reached our next level, our next plane of existence, we will find that time is that next dimension. Or perhaps it is something else, something that we cannot yet grasp within our current three-dimensional existence.download mobilephonetools 1.23

The very idea of infinity can make one feel small and insignificant. Whether or not the universe ends or it began at some point is something we try to find out. We even look to the skies and try to find where it began. But we will not find it. It did not begin, it's always been here. It will always be here. The universe is not in the sky, where we look, but within us. We are the universe. Perhaps this is why many wish to place us as the center of it. Instead of feeling small in an infinite universe, we should take comfort in its unending vastness. It wraps around us like a warm blanket. There is no end. With the idea of end comes fear. Death is not the end. It is the beginning of the next journey, whether it is one similar to this one where we travel in a three-dimensional world and continue to learn the lessons that need to be learned from that three-dimensional plane, or we travel on to a four-dimensional plane to learn to understand the constraints that such a plane might place upon us.download mobilephonetools 1.23

The example of different dimensions is merely used to help grasp it, really. To help put some of the proverbial "box" around the idea of infinity in order to better understand. Perhaps there is an "end" to the actual growth and learning process. Perhaps it comes when we are fully self-actualized and can accept our infinity. When we can exist without our boxes. But that does not mean an end to our soul, our being. No. We will always be. We always have.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Another example would be the feeling of deja-vu. Suppose that you reached the end of one journey but did not feel that you learned what you needed to from it. That you were not ready to move on to another experience. You would re-live that journey with the knowledge you have gained from the last. The knowledge that travels within us, in our souls. Within that next journey, you would live it differently but with the same goal, and perhaps have added more to learn as well. In order to accomplish that original goal, you would find that you experience deja-vu from time to time. You might experience something where you were sure that you'd done it before even though it was impossible for you to have done so within this lifetime. These would be good things to watch and especially learn from, as they are part of the intricate pattern we have laid out for ourselves during this lifetime. Part, even in some small way, of what we are trying to teach ourselves at the moment.download mobilephonetools 1.23

The best thing to do is to attempt to gain all you can from this life. Learn all you can from each experience you have. Whether a good or bad experience, it will teach a lesson, leave a mark upon your soul. You will take it with you into the next journey and although you may not remember it in any detail while you are there, you will remember in your soul and it will have an impact. Everything we do, everything we see, touch, taste, smell and hear, everything we are in this life, will leave an impact within us forever. Everything we are comes from what we have learned so far. Tomorrow, you will be different again from what you are today. Revel in that. download mobilephonetools 1.23

Know that each day makes us better, stronger, more able to grow to actualization. Believe in yourself, because you already DO believe in yourself. You sent yourself here. You asked for this life. Make of it what you will and when it is over, you will decide if you gained all that you needed out of it or not. Listen to your soul, for it is who you are. Listen to those around you, for their souls are there as well, helping you learn just as much as they are learning themselves. The bodies we use are just vessels, tools with which we learn. As we grow, perhaps we will become more and more connected to our souls within each journey. As we come closer to accepting who we are. As we come closer to existing within our infinity.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Within this plane, this three-dimensional existence, we have some who are closer than others to being able to communicate with either their own souls, or other souls on different journeys that don?t fully exist in our current plane. Perhaps we can use the example of someone who can "talk to the dead". There are those who seem to truly have this ability. But if there is no true death, then imagine a plane of "dead" people, existing there within their current journey and part of their journey is to talk to us through those people. Their souls are helping the souls of the ones who can talk to them to learn and grow within this plane. Their souls are helping those who've needed to seek out those who can speak to them. Each soul helping the other to grow and learn in their current journey. Remember, too, that we are all connected.download mobilephonetools 1.23

There is no free will except for within ourselves. We have decided already. We have woven the intricate webs of our lives for our own benefit and for the benefit of others. We affect every single person around us, even if it's just a moment where eyes meet, or elbows touch in passing. We are part of eachother and one with ourselves. Do not overanalyze. If you spend every moment living self-actualized you might not fully experience all that you are here to enjoy. Just live.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Learn.
Grow.
Be.download mobilephonetools 1.23

The Beginning...

I've been trying to decide how to begin putting down my spiritual beliefs here in this weblog. It's not easy, even with only a few people reading this, to put your soul out there for debate - even among mostly family and friends.download mobilephonetools 1.23

At one point, however, I remember having a very in-depth conversation about spiritual beliefs at one of the Sunday dinners at my In-law's home. The conversation went rather well, I think, but what sticks out the most for me is what my mother-in-law said to me at the end of the evening:download mobilephonetools 1.23

"I had no idea you were so deep." she said.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Somewhere, in the back of my mind at that moment, a little voice was screaming at me - "WHAT??? What, does everyone think I'm some sort of shallow, selfish BITCH??? Is THIS representative of what my husband's family THINKS of me??? AAAAARRGH!!"download mobilephonetools 1.23

I continued to beat my self up mentally for some time over that one comment, which I know SHE meant as a compliment - NOT something for me to agonize over. Which, of course, is how I am. I don't know why it is that no one seems able to talk to me directly if they have some issue with me, but apparently I must be unapproachable on some level. I always thought I was a pretty open book. I don't know. *throws hands up in the air in dismay*download mobilephonetools 1.23

So, I've been waiting for MY little moment to speak... my little chance to talk about those things that matter, those things I've discovered, those things that form my own answer to that really tough question:download mobilephonetools 1.23

"What is the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?"download mobilephonetools 1.23

It's a doozer of a question, but I've found the answer to it for myself. It's not going to be what everyone else (or maybe anyone else) is ready for and so some people might get all upset at me and try to tell me I'm wrong. But I'm not wrong. It's right for me. It's part of MY experience. It's part of YOUR experience to believe whatever it is you need to believe right now. It's all good. I've had my moment of true clarity, and I am confident in my beliefs.download mobilephonetools 1.23

But I'm not going to bombard you in one big post... I thought I'd start with a poem I drudged up when looking for some of the stuff I typed up at the time that I "realized" my "why". This was one of those poems that built up over the course of a day, like a bubble rising to the surface - then I got to my keyboard and it burst out onto the page. Sort of a preface, if you will:download mobilephonetools 1.23

BEING ABOUT BEINGdownload mobilephonetools 1.23

Yesterday,
I had the fair fortune to follow
As two clouds fused, and became as onedownload mobilephonetools 1.23

This morning,
I glimpsed the glorious gaze
Of the golden sun, upon glassy waterdownload mobilephonetools 1.23

This afternoon,
I marveled at the miracle
Of a magnificent crow, soaring down to a sea of pavementdownload mobilephonetools 1.23

Perhaps tomorrow,
I shall take the time to observe
Each blade of grass as it bows obediently before the breezedownload mobilephonetools 1.23

For I learn,
not from people,
not from places,
not from events,
nor things,
nor concepts.download mobilephonetools 1.23

For I learn,
From all that teach,
From all that breathe,
From all that are,
From all that exist,
From encompassed whole.download mobilephonetools 1.23

I learn,
I grow
And thus…download mobilephonetools 1.23

I know.download mobilephonetools 1.23

I learn,
I see,
And thus…download mobilephonetools 1.23

I be.download mobilephonetools 1.23

9/12/02 – Amy M. Howarddownload mobilephonetools 1.23

Like, totally quizzical dude...

Okay, for kicks I did a quiz at Quizilla to find out how old my inner child is...download mobilephonetools 1.23

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilladownload mobilephonetools 1.23

Bummer... I was SO sure she was, like, six or eight years old or something... not just a whiney teenager. *sigh*download mobilephonetools 1.23

I see you walking in my shoes...

On Sunday, I "acquired" a pair of used Dr. Martens shoes. By "acquired", I mean that someone handed them out with some free firewood and other stuff, and my in-laws happened to be the lucky ones who inquired about the firewood. (didn't want you thinking I mugged someone for a pair of boots!) I got to be Cinderella, for the day - the lovely boots fit me, so they're mine now.download mobilephonetools 1.23

So, I found myself out running errands yesterday, tromping from car to store to car again in my "new" shoes. They fit better than most other shoes I've owned, and I got to wondering if that was because they were probably more expensive when bought new than most shoes I've ever owned, or because someone else broke them in for me. I imagined some other person's feet, squishing around in their socks, trying to break in the leather and get the shoes to mold to them.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Sweaty, stinky feet probably... good thing I can't smell (more on that another time).download mobilephonetools 1.23

Then, I was most amused at the thought that I, someone who often tries to imagine what it's like in other people's shoes, was now trying to fill someone else's shoes... literally! I promptly wiggled my own feet around, hoping to make my own impression on the leather, even though they fit me just fine. Then again, I'm sure I'll give them my own stinky stamp of ownership soon enough.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Usually, errands day is one I don't enjoy much. Driving from parking lot to parking lot where I try to park near the cart corral so I can get one easily enough to pop my son's car seat into and not throw my back out trying to carry it. He's about ready for the next stage car seat though, and sitting up quite well so I expect we'll be able to sit him in the front of the cart soon enough. Then, there's the in-store battle, dodging oblivious people and ridiculously-placed racks and shelves to try to get to the back of the store where they keep the one lousy item I came for in the first place. A run for a can of formula can take almost an hour to get to and from the store and make the purchase. *sigh* Don't even get me started on how long it takes to hit the grocery store...download mobilephonetools 1.23

But yesterday, something was just right in the world. Yes, the formula trip was a pain, but we found the things we needed in a reasonable amount of time and hit the grocery store next. My son laughed and smiled for three hours while we ran four errands, and during the third (the grocery store) I noticed a couple behind me in line as I unloaded the cart, just smiling back at him. At the last errand we dropped off some film and picked up a prescription at another store and at least three people smiled in at him and mentioned how cute he is.download mobilephonetools 1.23

My father-in-law has decided that my son is a "chick magnet", and it's true. But it seems that he has a way with most people - certainly with me. I can be so frustrated and he'll just look up at me with big blue eyes and grin - I can't help but giggle. My husband is the same way. We call it the "thrall". It's that spell he keeps casting on me that can make me lose all chance of productivity for a half an hour while I make silly noises just to keep him laughing...download mobilephonetools 1.23

So, I shared my cute son (I've taken to calling him my "sonshine" sometimes) with the locals yesterday. While walking in someone else's shoes. And, as we wrapped up to head home again, the moon came out on a crisp, cold night and shone brightly.download mobilephonetools 1.23

Some moments are just bulging with perfection.download mobilephonetools 1.23

The Big Blog Show!

Okay, so for kicks, I put in an application for The BIG Blog Show! I have NO idea where they will take it once it's live, but I can see why they have to limit it to a specific number of people... otherwise it would take too long to read and get out of hand very quickly. Imagine if 4000-some-odd people could all post to one blog!! The flame wars would be unbearable!download mobilephonetools 1.23

And then there's the bit where the World Wide Web has made it so that any idiot with a computer may now voice their rants on the internet... Ahh, isn't technology wonderful. No? Byte me! :-Pdownload mobilephonetools 1.23

Happy, Happy 2001!!

Well, happy new year! Some people were obviously having a good time on our street with fireworks and gaity for this New Year's Eve... I remember, when I was little, my mom and I used to go out on the front porch and bang pots and pans at midnight, while we screamed "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" at the neighbors (who were also doing similarly noisy things). We, on the other hand, interrupted our traditional roleplaying session to toast it in with some lovely red wine (and a kiss of course), before returning to the current campaign. Quite serene, in comparison, but we had fun ALL day...download mobilephonetools 1.23

We seem to be spending our New Year's Eves with just the two of us nowadays, but we still spice it up with a little adventure and demon slayage - this year it was Palladium -style, and the "demon" turned out to be a crocodile-headed-scaled-gorilla that was older than the local village. Fortunately, my (newly created) character pulled on her intuition cap and tried talking to the critter first (seeing as how it was taller than three of her own height), once she finally encountered the silently prowling beasty, and after it had eated a grand total of three villagers since she'd arrived in town and 11 total villagers overall - some of which had been bitten in half!!! The critter could communicate though, and she was able to convince the villagers NOT to try to do their lumbering in the critter's woods - especially once it made it clear it wasn't the only one in there... It was just protecting it's home, not eating villagers for snackies!download mobilephonetools 1.23

Oh, what fun. My husband is gamesmastering this one, while I get my act in gear to gamesmaster one for him too. Of course, any other free time is playing Horizons as of late - which we spent time doing earlier today. We also had a lovely visit from Monday evening 'til Wednesday afternoon with our friend Matt! YAY!! Playtime ROCKS!download mobilephonetools 1.23

The body grows old, but the soul never ages. My inner child played today!download mobilephonetools 1.23

Here's hoping all of us have a wonderful 2004! *toasts*download mobilephonetools 1.23