DragonBlog

Yesterday...

Yesterday my beautiful sister got married. Despite the fact that she and I have been having some "difficulties" as of late, she still chose to invite me to be there.

Wild horses couldn't have kept me from being there to see that. Lions, tigers, bears...

I have so much to say about this event. SO much. I shall have to try and put it down in a letter to her, however. This is not the place to be explaining things or voicing my concerns.

Suffice it to say that the bride and groom were beautiful. Stunning. I hardly know him, but I think I like him already. I have high, high hopes for their happiness as a couple.

And I'm hoping she takes my choice of wedding gift in the way it was meant - as a sentimental gesture of love. As much something I wanted to be sure she had with her and to share with her new husband. A piece of her past to start her new future with.

There is SO much I could say... And SO much I can't right now. For SO many reasons...

But I'll just end with Congratulations.

Current Mood: hopeful

No Matter What Life Brings...

Tomorrow is Brian and my anniversary again. As always, I'll link to the post with the vows in it, so you can read our beautifully written, rhyming, pledges to each other. Written over cups and cups of coffee, we slaved over getting these just right, and I STILL love them... My goodness though - eleven years now! And I still can't help but grab his ass in passing in the kitchen... errr... *coughs and blushes*

Eleven years, and I still love, Love, LOVE him. I get all mushy, sappy, lustfull, and "private smile" when I think about him. Even though, sometimes, he can be totally oblivious - we are so much more often IN synch than out. And we've never gotten SO out of synch that we couldn't reconnect somehow. We always come back. Our friendship is just that strong. (and his ass is just that cute *wink*)

So, for Brian..

Anyways... (tally mark)

Back to my mommy work...

Current Mood: in love

'Round the Old Oak Tree...

It is coming up on 13 years now, since my mother passed away of a rare cancer. Finally, after that many years of keeping her ashes safe, I have released them. Well, my half of them anyway. Yesterday, I sent the other half off to my sister, so that she can choose what she wants to do with them. Despite the fact that she and I aren't currently on speaking terms (a whole other story in and of itself that I'm not going to get into here), I figured she'd want the chance to do something on her own. Part of what I'd been waiting for was to do something with her, but now...

Well, frankly, I need to move on with my life. There are too many stressful things hurting me and my family right now as it is. Releasing my mother is also releasing one burden I've been carrying on my shoulders. Eldest child syndrome, I guess. I don't know. But I seem to be the keeper of all things relating to my mother's family.

But I've been holding on to too much of it apparently. So last Saturday, Brian and another friend, M, helped me in a small releasing ceremony. Some other friends of ours (thanks J & J!) allowed me to hold it on their propery, around a large, mature oak tree. Since they also have a small, old cemetery on their property, and have a beautiful space of land where they do prairie restoration and awareness programs, it seemed like an appropriate place. There is a lot of positive energy flowing there. A good place to let my mother rest.

I didn't know how (or if) the act of releasing the ashes would affect me. But it does. I have been carrying around a guilt about it for some time. Her ideal had been for her ashes to be released in some other country - to go abroad, so to speak. A friend of hers had planned to take her ashes to New Zealand, but I guess it never worked out as she never asked for the ashes. My mother really wanted to go to England, and I had hoped to go on a trip with my sister to England, once she'd graduated from college. Unfortunately, by graduation, we weren't speaking anymore. I guess it's just as well. We could have had a ceremony, but I'm not sure they would have actually allowed us to take the ashes there anyway.

Honestly, it doesn't really matter if it is here or there, so long as it was somewhere beautiful. I remember her saying that once. She would like the place I have chosen. There is so much life and positive energy there.

The urn itself, now just an empty vessel, is not traditional. She didn't want some ordinary metal can, so I had painted a gallon-sized glass jar (the kind with the rubber seal top). The jar has been gently washed out and will now become a repository for little things that remind me of her. Trinkets, perhaps some photos - things relating to her that will remind me of something. Things that will allow me to tell the happy stories to my children when they are old enough to remember the stories I have to tell.

This is good. All of it. A good way to finally say goodbye.

And now, my own family can move forward, free of one more burden.

Brian will be blogging about this too. I'm not sure what he'll say. He led the ceremony, as a shaman would - calling the spirits to protect us and bear witness, creating the circle, etc. For him, it was the first time he did such a ceremony. A shamanic "ritual" as it were. So, for him, it was a different experience...

Current Mood: relieved

All Hail the Birthday Guy!

Today is Brian's birthday. So that warrants at least a quick post:

Of course he had to go do that whole "work" thing today, so the fun doesn't really start until he gets home. Despite the fact that his recent Shamanism seminar was a combined Father's Day/Birthday gift, I couldn't let the day go by without having something for him to open...

So I wrapped a box. With his toothbrush inside.

Just Kidding!!! There is actual gifts in there. His toothbrush is still safely in the bathroom upstairs. It would be a total bummer to get nothing but your own toothbrush (used, even) on your birthday. Maybe, just because I thought of it, I'll get him a new one today. I do have to hit the grocery store and all...

In other news, as Brian mentioned on his blog, we "rehomed" the cats. I found someone who could give them more attention than we allergy-ridden folks can and I'm happy about that. Except for the heart-wrenching spells when I'm very aware that my kitties are gone! I know it's for the better, but Nora was my baby before I had my babies. And Cinder taught Jareth about how to be "gentle" more than I ever could. I miss my cats. Maybe one day, when we're not all allergic anymore, I can have another one. But, for now, I have to get through the task of getting all the last bits of cat hair out of the house. Ugh. I wish I could just hire someone. Damnit, grrr, damnit. Allergy season seems to have taken a turn for the worst right now too - Jareth and I have been sneezing like crazy for about three days straight.

Preschool started up again this week too, so I've gotten seriously busy. I know I don't have everything quite written on the calendar for this month yet and I already only have about four days without stuff written on them. And, I have to actually get up butt-early in the morning again now. Let's just not talk about how that's going yet, shall we? Ugh. *Snore*

That's all for now. Friday is playgroup day and one of my kids still needs to be rolled out of bed and fed before we can leave. More soon!

No Matter What Life Brings...

Yesterday was my 10th anniversary of marital bliss to my wonderful, handsome husband. Considering all the crap that life has dropped on us periodically over the course of both those 10 years, and the couple of years prior to that where we were living together... at this point, there might not be much left that could potentially drive us apart. He's my best friend, my lover, my everything. I've posted our vows previously on this blog, so if you want a refresher, go here.

We didn't get to go on the oceanside vacation we had hoped to, since we needed to have the trim on our house painted before the village got uppity with us. It's a nice shade of "Rock Garden Green" now, and the patio looks especially nice as the wood on it hadn't been properly painted prior to now. Basically a lot of our money that isn't already tied up in groceries or bills is being sucked away into the vast black hole that is The House. At this point I just want out of here, but we'll see how long that will take and who will be willing to finance us at that point. Oof. But the outside of the house looks nice. Well, better anyway. We took off the gutters and now there's spots that need touching up on the aluminum siding and we need to put up new gutters too. I've been getting quotes. What a nightmare. Seems everyone wants a piece of the pocketbook, and most want a sizable chunk. Brian is toying with the concept of doing that one himself, but that might prove more difficult for him to manage alone that pulling them down was. We'll see what happens.

In other news, so far the allergy shots have been an utter failure. Last Monday I was sent back to GO without the $200. The two weeks prior I'd had reactions just after having the shots, so they've put me back on the initial, weakest dose. Not encouraging. I'm also working my way through the different allergy meds to find out what works. Maybe the new family doctor I'm trying will be better at getting me patched together, although I'm not entirely sure I'm fully comfortable with him yet. He's better than some of the prior ones, but maybe a little too easy with the "here's a pill, let's see how that works" method. I don't like being on any meds at ALL technically, although if I need something then damnit I'm going to take it. Right now it's VERY clear I need something for my allergies, and he and I can't seem to agree on what that is. The breastfeeding is getting in the way. I think he can also tell how much stress I'm under overall too, as he damn near opened with offering up something for that in the first visit. I refused, however. Once I can get the physical ailments under control it should help with the stress overall. I hope.

Then again, there's one or two things that I can't really talk about here that are making me physically ill just thinking about them.

But I keep trying for the optimist route. I really do. Maybe one day I'll even win...

More later. It's Friday night and the kids are now in bed. And my best friend and lover is around to distract me...

*wicked grin*

We'll see where the night leads.

Current Mood: devious

And They All Came Tumbling Down...

The 12th was my birthday. Yeah, I kinda figured I'd be blogging that day or the day after it, but things have been... not as good as one might hope.

The birthday itself was great though! Brian took a vacation day and took me to the Lizzadro Museum of Lapidary Art in the morning. I now have sculpting on the brain and a couple of pieces of soapstone and a tagua nut to mess around with. And a book on lapidary, along with a couple of other, smaller books - one on gemstone care and the other on carving soapstone specifically. I also picked up a tagua nut ring. Kinda like ivory, but really a nut, and referred to by many as "vegetable ivory". I have since learned that buttons used to be made out of the stuff until cheap plastics came along. Interesting. I'm curious to see how it carves. Once I get a chance to make a mess doing it. I may also wait until I get a couple of other tools. We'll see. I'm slowly collecting a smidge of cash in my PayPal account for tools, since it seems the only way I can keep money separate and have it not end up in the "pay bills" pile. Eventually it will amount to something I can buy stuff with. lol. Some of my own income from web design is getting dropped in there right now and if I sell anything on eBay it ends up in there too. I need to gather up some stuff for eBay and get it up there!

After the museum, we headed out to Glen Ellyn, where I grew up, and hit my favorite burger joint for lunch. Amazingly enough, the kids were GOOD while there too - even though Kayla was super hungry by that point and I expected to have to nurse her there at the booth. Instead, she was content munching on some Gerber cereal, and some dried fruit tidbits and waited to nurse once we were home. We stopped off at the Flour Barrel bakery (couldn't find a link for them) in Glen Ellyn next, where we bought a box 'o cookies (that didn't last the day) and the cake that Brian had ordered for me. This is where my mom sometimes bought cakes for me when I was a kid - angel food cake with buttercream frosting. And yes - it was as good as I remembered. Brian totally got brownie points for ordering me one this year! Yummmmmm! We managed to make the cake last a few days longer than the cookies did at least.

Then it was back home so the kids could nap and we could lounge about. Since we'd had lunch out I decided we'd order in for dinner and after finding out the Mixican place that had brought us food once before didn't deliver to our area (they said the owner had been bored the other time), we ended up ordering Chinese instead. It was a nice relaxing evening and a great day overall.

But then... there's the other crap.

Yesterday, for example, I went in for my first allergy shots. Now, there has been so much stress lately that I've been clinging to that one hope that I'm at least on the path towards feeling better physically that when the nurse told me they FORGOT TO BRING MY SHOT TO THAT OFFICE...

It was not a shining moment for me. I rescheduled for NEXT Monday instead and barely made it to the elevator before bursting into tears. Last straw syndrome.

The other stuff - the stuff that has my head in stabbing pain and my stomach feeling so sick I could easily throw up - I can't talk about here. Because it's looking more and more like it's going to involved lawyers. And because it does involve family. MY family, not Brian's. Brian is trying to buffer me and keep me from having a total meltdown at this point. If it weren't for him and my two beautiful children... Well, let's just say I'm not in a good space right now. At a point when things were beginning to look like they were about to improve, I'm being slapped in the face once again, called a liar, and emotionally stabbed in the back. I'm reeling, as all I did to "deserve" this was be more generous and helpful than I was required to be. I'd managed not to actually cry until the allergy thing tipped me over the edge for the moment. Now I'm back on the ledge again, clinging to the threads that are my husband and children. There's a whole lot of snuggling and hugging going on in this house these days. The kids can tell something's wrong too. I hate that most of all. They should not have to see me so close to just shutting down.

Being busy is helping a little. We're getting quotes on some of the repair work that needs to be done to our house. I think we have enough scraped together to do the first one - paint the outside house trim and take care of the gutters. We have to do that one first or the village is going to fine us for some of the peeling paint. I'm annoyed about that. I want my damned family room back downstairs so we can stop being crunched into the living room. There's piles of stuff everywhere and my kids have no place to play. It's not helping my stress levels whatsoever.

I want to cry, I want to cry, I want to cry... But I want my kids to see me coping, at the very least.

I am leaping from one "good" moment to the next, trying to forget the ones in between while I'm at the actual good ones. There was a wonderful energy at a drum circle we went to last weekend that I hoped had rejuvinated me again. A surge of good karma that only took 24 hours to batter down again.

Learn. Grow. Be. - I keep reminding myself it's all part of the experience.

*sigh*

If my posts become infrequent, forgive me. Sometimes, when I only have bad stuff I want to vent out, I tend to fall silent instead. I will, however, try to keep the pictures coming for the family members checking in. I have some new ones from the park yesterday that I need to put up. I'll hopefully get them up soon.

Current Mood: stressed

On Board with Waldorf

On Saturday, we went to visit the preschool that we hope to enroll Jareth in soon. It's a Waldorf school, based on the philosophy of Rudolf Steiner. In a very basic summary, it is a curriculum that centers around the development of the child, and teaching them things as they are ready to learn them, along with nurturing child as a whole. I found out about these schools when I was looking into curriculums for homeschooling, but have since decided I'm not going to go that route. While I liked the idea of homeschooling, I'm not confident enough in my ability to pull it off, and life just gets in the way far too often for me to be sure I'd be able to give it my full attention as I ought.

We toured the whole school while we were there and I left with a few things pointedly stuck in my mind:

1. If we can put them through this schooling, my kids will definitely be smarter than me
2. I wish I had gotten to go to a Waldorf school
3. It's important to get the kids in early, since that's when they are going to teach them how to learn

I'm not generally one to jump onto a bandwagon for much of anything. There's always something I can point out and say "hey, I can see the other side of that" but I have to say that this curriculum and philosophy just feels right. It meshes well with what Brian and I seem to believe in and want for the kids. In fact, it seems as if they will be taking some things to the next level. I'm excited.

Of course the cost of private schooling is going to be a bit tough to manage, however there's no doubt in my mind that it's worth it. There's no way I want to put my kids in the public school system, that's for sure. And the added bonus of how focused on the Arts the Waldorf system is will add to the kids' thriving there. They are bound to be creative with the parents they have. They will learn music, art, a couple of languages, and a whole lot of other things. And, based on the projects and such that we were seeing, they are taught each subject both in relation to one another and with many different approaches. So, whatever learning "style" works best for my kids (I tend to be a visual, hands-on kind of learner myself, as opposed to an auditory or textbook learner) they will have that covered so that they can better absorb and retain what they are learning. So much of what I've learned over the years had slipped away because it wasn't really committed to hard memory, but stored long enough to pass a test or write a report on it. Once I was past the test or report, it wasn't necessary and was dumped along with so much else. There are those who say that everything we see, read, or hear is stored forever, but we just can't always access it when we want it. Whatever part of my brain is storing all that crap must have gotten knocked further into my brain when I had my head injury too, since I have even more trouble now than I used to recalling things. I make lists more than ever these days, so that I can keep track of what needs to be done, and I've found my capacity to read something has been lessened, making it much more difficult. Remembering facts and figures is a lot harder than it ever was. I'm usually good at remembering concepts behind things though, and that has even gotten more difficult. It's as if everything just gets jumbled together sometimes and my brain starts to hurt sorting it out. I don't remember it always being like this, and I'm not exactly getting "old" yet, so I can only assume I did more damage than I'd realized when I took that tumble on the pavement in July of 2001.

Helmets, people. Helmets when rollerblading. Yeeeeessss. Learn from my mistake.

Anyway...I'm totally sold on the Waldorf school now that I've seen one. Of course I was mostly sold before going in there, but I had that warm fuzzy confirmation I was looking for. And Brian, who'd heard about it from me and done a little online poking to learn more, is sold too.

So, as soon as we've got Jareth potty trained, he's going to start going. The school has an open enrollment, so he can start anytime but he needs to be able to go to the potty first. He's been slow on it, so I've gotten a book on potty "parties" and we're going to try that method to get him excited on the potty thing. Hopefully it will work. He's otherwise been oblivious to the idea, except for a brief spat which prompted me to buy the potty in the first place. We've had him in pull-ups for months now with nothing. He's not interested in sitting on the potty and has yet to DO anything on one yet. So I'm going to switch my approach. There was another book for "one day potty training" that I looked at on Amazon.com, but from the parent reviews I gleaned that it basically involved shaming your child into wanting to go. I am NOT going for that approach, and am amazed that anyone would even pick that option these days. While I've mentioned to him that he's old enough to be going on the potty now, and that his friends are ALL potty trained, he doesn't seem concerned. I am not interested into guilting him into learning, however, or pushing him too hard. A potty "party" on the other hand, might just work. I have the book, and now I've got to try and read it quickly and get to planning the little party. We'll see how it goes. Apparently, I have to go get one of those dolls that pees though, since part of the process involves him teaching the doll to use the potty first. *raises an eyebrow* I'm a little dubious, mind you, but I'll have to do my best to get enthused so it has a chance of working...

Keep your fingers crossed. I'm hoping I'll be buying him some Cars underwear in no time!

Current Mood: hopeful

And So It Goes...(and so have you then, I suppose)

I find myself surprised today. Surprised to find myself shedding a few tears over a man I hardly knew. A man who died over a year ago, in September of 2005. But no one thought to tell me until now. No one remembered to let me know that my grandfather, Herrick Goodwillie, passed away. Until another of our yearly newsletters reached his widow and she was kind enough to send me a note and one of those cards you get with the newspaper clipping laminated on it. Where I assume I am included as one of the unnamed eight grandchildren. My father's name is on it, as are my two aunts, one of which I've never met.

I will give my grandfather credit, that even after his first wife, my grandmother, died he did keep contact better than anyone else in the family has bothered to. She had been the one to keep the family tie intact, and my mother's opinion of my grandfather was less than stellar. But he'd usually send a Christmas card each year at the very least, and amongst my possessions are a music box bird that he sent after she died, something he said she had wanted me to have. I have wondered, these past few years, that I stopped getting his cards. But then I assumed it might have something to do with the last letter my father sent me, effectively indicating that he has no interest in me whatsoever. Maybe it was partly that. Maybe it was just illness creeping up upon him. It is likely I will now never know.

Perhaps I mourn the loss of that last thread of connection to a family I've never known. Perhaps I mourn the loss of what could have been if my family hadn't been so shattered and filled with drama. Perhaps I feel that with the death of this man dies that last possible chance that my own father will remember my existence in this world. Perhaps I just don't know.

And so it goes...

Current Mood: melancholy

Not the way we planned it...

First off, while it still IS Thanksgiving, I'll just send out a general wish that everyone out there had a good one. Or, at the very least, better than mine. But that doesn't actually take much. I'm sick. Not only am I sick but, in fact, the entire group of us is sick.

It technically started a few days ago, with my son. But sometimes it can be hard to tell with him. He's thrown up a few times and we were watching him because of it, but he didn't seem to develop any other symptoms than a persistent cough. We all went through a bit of a 24-hour bug not long ago, so there have been some lingering issues from that. I was wondering if the fact that he was refusing to eat, and the introduction of a new cough syrup to ease his symptoms weren't actually the cause for the throwing up.

Until about 12:30 am, Thanksgiving morning. When I started throwing up. For about six hours straight, I threw up at least once every half an hour. Oh, and every time I threw up I had diarrhea too - at the same time.

Let's just say I was not a "happy camper". At about 7 am or so I finally convinced Brian (who was starting to have some diarrhea himself by this point) that we needed to see a doctor. Finding out that Kayla had thrown up in her crib pretty much cinched to deal and after a load of laundry was thrown into the washer we packed into the car and headed to the hospital. On Thanksgiving Day, you don't bother trying to find a doctor or clinic available - you just go to the damn emergency room. Because, frankly, nobody else is open for business. We were reminded of this later too - when we had to drive out to the nearest 24-hour Walgreens in order to get prescriptions filled. And then there was the worry we needed to buy Jello and popsicles fast, before stores closed.

But, let me backtrack just a bit. Aparently it was fate that Thanksgiving wasn't at my house this year, since I would have had to cancel it with all of us being sick! However, there is the matter of the "baked goods." You see, I signed on for "desserts" to bring to the family Thanksgiving gathering. Yesterday, despite an impending, nauseated, kind of doom-like feeling, Jareth and I dutifully dusted off our hands and baked up a storm. I measured, he poured, he helped "stir" and even iced one of the cookies (although only one, when he realized it was a messy job - this same child who can manage to get burrito beans in his eyebrows can't seem to manage having a little powdered sugar icing on his fingertips!). We made spritz cookies with my cookie press, icing some and putting "sprinkles" on the others. We made caramel-apple cupcakes with caramel frosting. We made walnut fudge. We made brownies.

And all of these items are now sitting in my kitchen, uneaten. Not only did they not go anywhere for Thanksgiving, as planned, but they are potentially "contaminated" and cannot be eaten by anyone but us, since we've got the antibodies in our system and supposedly can't catch this particular virus again after this. Normally, the eating of sweets is not an issue in this house - we like our sugar and chocolate just fine thank you...

But every single one of us, including the baby, are on clear liquid diets.

*sigh*

And bugger it all if I didn't miss one of the rare opportunities I get to see my uncle on top of it. I'm so bummed.

But now, I'm going to go crawl back into bed again. I was just awake to pump my breastmilk and keep it flowing for Kayla to have again after she can tolerate it. Which is fine, I suppose, since I'm on an antibiotic (since I also have an ear infection) and anti-nausea stuff. So she probably shouldn't be having my milk right now anyway. But I not only want to keep it flowing, I also need to occasionally release some of the pressure that builds up. Ow.

I'm rambling. I don't have a clear head right now. Ugh.

G'night...

Current Mood: sick

The Thing About Allergies...

I've had allergies... well probably for a really long, long time now. I'm starting to understand why my mom thought I was such a rotten little girl - because I was downright cranky! Except it never occurred to my mom that I was being bad because I felt miserable. I remember having excruciating headaches in junior high and high school - the kind where you want to smash your head against the wall because doing that might somehow make it better. The kind where all you want to do is crawl into a dark, SILENT, black hole and clutch your head in an ice-cube-filled grip of death until it goes away. At one point they did an expensive scan on my head (an MRI I think) and declared "nothing wrong." They said it was stress and gave me some pills that were supposed to relax the pressure or something but did absolutely nothing at all. I guess it never occurred to anyone to think that I might have some allergies. My mom always suggested I was "whining" and nothing short of a fever would let me stay home from school, much less be deserving of a doctor's visit. She took the extremist opposite to her mother's hypochondria.

Around the same time I was seeing doctors to get my irritable bowel figured out, I also had a doctor suggest I had allergies. I tried a few things and *BOOM!* found that an antihistamine/decongestant combination made most of those headaches either go away or become somewhat bearable on a daily basis!

WOOHOO! *does the dance of joy*

Mind you, I'd LOVE to be off the damned drugs. Especially since stupid MORONIC people decided that making recreational drugs out of the pseudophed component was a great idea for fun and profit, thus making it frustrating to get what I need. *sigh* And it doesn't always work. Sometimes it's not enough. I probably ought to be on something prescription anyway. But I'm not going to try and resolve that until I've got some proper health insurance. For now, I just suck down Tylenol when the headaches get bad and pray for the day I move to an area of the country where it won't be so horrible. Yesterday I started doing some serious web searching to try and find said area. Looks like I may convince Brian to move to the desert after all. The New Mexico & Nevada areas are looking nice to me, based on the current mold spores status on weather.com.

Because Jareth's got my allergies too. As evidenced again yesterday. While we were out, attempting to enjoy Heritage Fest with Brian's folks, he threw an absolute fit. Repeatedly. Despite the fact that we technically were already giving him medicines (yes, plural) for the allergies. But I recently switched decongestants, and I'm not altogether sure the Claritin is doing a good enough job. I couldn't take Claritin - it upset my stomach for some odd reason. I worry that it's doing the same to him.

He was cranky from the moment I woke him up and it just escalated with every little thing that didn't go his way. Eventually, I bailed on the whole day after I realized that he'd been exposed the day before too - since the house we'd gone to a party at had been all open and airy. I normally love to air out the house myself, but nowadays I am relying on the filter in the vent system to help keep the allergens inside to a minimum to make both myself and my son have a bareable environment to exist in. It seems to me it must be getting worse each year. At least it feels that way. Last year I tried blaming it on the pregnancy, but this year it's STILL bad. And obviously awful for Jareth.

Of course it doesn't help him that my own patience is shortened by my itchy eyes and throbbing head. The "distraction technique" only works so well if you don't already need distracting yourself. I'm waking up feeling swollen and miserable, and not sleeping well in the first place. Especially on mornings I need to wake up early, since I can't take anything before bed the night before or I am so drowsy I CAN'T get out of bed! I toss and turn, beat my pillow to a pulp, and fling the covers on and off the bed - sometimes for hours before I can finally pass out. Last night was one of those nights. Meaning something in the air has messed with me. And Jareth too. My poor little, cranky, allergic guy.

The only GOOD thing about all of this is that I KNOW he's got allergies. It means I won't just make the blanket assumption that I've got a "bad little boy" on my hands. Because he's NOT. He doesn't hit other children (although cats beware!), is generally polite (except when he's testing our authority as kids will), uses coasters AND napkins, and loves to be my little "helper" around the house and with his sister. But he can become an inconsolable, unreachable, screamer for no apparent reason lately. And while there are occasional things that might set him off, he's generally not like that. It's GOT to be the allergies.

As a parent, I feel helpless to fix it. I can't fix it entirely for myself and he can't take the stronger stuff I'm on. They don't seem to make the right combo medicine for kids either - most of the stuff with decongestant includes other stuff he doesn't need, so I don't want to give it to him. I don't want to have him on anything that's going to make him drowsy all the time, or treat him for cold and flu symptoms when that's not the problem. But, obviously, the decongestants that don't have the extra crap aren't working.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn, damn...

I hate having to give him all this medicine. I'm more frustrated than ever. If keeping him indoors all the time were an option I'd almost take it. But he's a little boy and needs to run and play. As it is, I keep him indoors more often than I want to try and shield him from it. I'm starting to look forward to the colder weather, just to give both of us some relief.

*SIGH*

Meanwhile, I've added 7 new images to the gallery. Including this one:

If you click on the picture, it will take you to the gallery to see the rest.

Current Mood: cranky

Happy Birthday Brian! (a tad late)

Just a quick note, since I really haven't had a chance for much personal blogging recently. But I didn't want it to get much further before I mentioned Brian's birthday. Which was... yesterday. The 7th.

No. I DIDN'T forget. I just haven't had time to blog about it is all. I gave him gifts, Jareth made him a card, and we all went out for a nice Thai dinner last night, since that's what Brian picked. There's also going to be a small family shindig at our place on Sunday, with his folks and sister.

So I did tell him "happy birthday" already. I just didn't say it here is all. So....

That's all for now folks.

Current Mood: busy

Picture Heaven!

For all of you who fled from yesterday's post - I've just uploaded 26 new pictures to the gallery, complete with captions! Go here to start viewing them. I figured there were far too many to put up on the main blog, so I'm linking over to the gallery instead.

Enjoy!

Current Mood: busy

The One Two Rings...

Wednesday we did yard work, which resulted in my finally getting the big ole lump of dirt that's been in our yard since they dug it up to fix the pipe last fall. I smoothed it all out and left it a little risen so that it can settle more over the next few months. At some point I'll need to get some grass seed and make it green again too. We took care of some other bits of yardwork too, although we still need to do plenty more, and Brian took care of mowing the lawn for the first time this year.

During which he lost his ring. Fortunately, he found it again in the end.

Normally, this is the type of event that sends cold chills down the center of my chest to settle with turbulance in my stomach. For some reason, it didn't do that. I had that moment of panic when he called me outside, as he knew I had just come in to change clothes, and feed Kayla - thus making me somewhat unavailable to just pop outside for a bit. So having him call me saying he "needed help" suggested there was some sort of trouble afoot. I dropped everything and left my daughter crying in her carrier to run outside. At which point, he broke the news to me that his ring was missing. Thus began the search.

But I wasn't in chills over it, or giving myself ulcers. That's strange, since I'm usually quick to feel emotional over stuff - especially lately with the pregnancy and then post-partum additives. I was emotional though. I was angry instead.

It felt like a bad omen at an already difficult point in our lives. Then again, some of the most wonderful things seem to happen at the crappiest points. Right now, we've got the birth of our beautiful, healthy little girl. The event, however, seems to be the beacon of light holding everything just barely at bay from running me under emotionally. Things weren't as bad for us when my son was born, but my in-laws were going through a rough time then instead and Jareth helped keep spirits up for my mother-in-law especially. Despite the fact that they can be such a handfull, infants are amazing at enthralling a person so that, for a moment, nothing else in the world matters but how beautiful they are. It really is amazing.

But even with that wonderment, the reality of the world still manages to slap me back into it frequently enough. The incident of the ring being lost seems like more of an omen to me. It's as if I knew we would find it - I just told myself it HAD to be found, with no doubt. But the fact that it was lost at all resonated with me, even after the situation was resolved. I keep wondering what it means.

Now, a part of me was pissed that he didn't notice it when it happened. The one time my ring fell off (also due to weight loss at the time), I noticed it go flying and ran after it. I wore it on the middle finger of that hand for months as I knew that pregnancy (this was while we were trying to get pregnant with Jareth) would cause weight gain where it would fit again so I wasn't going to alter the ring itself in any way. I also couldn't bear to not have it on my hand, so I just changed which finger I wore it on. The important part was that it was there. The symbol of our connection to one another. Just a symbol, I know, but one that represents one of the most important things in my life - my commitment to the relationship that Brian and I share.

It's not that I think our relationship is in trouble, don't get me wrong. Brian is my soulmate. That just doesn't happen lightly. But we've had our troubles, like most couples. When money is tight, most relationships suffer from the tension that it causes. Also, we haven't exactly had a lot of time to spend alone together over the last year. Between his work schedule and the kids, it's been tricky. And the realization that we won't get to take a weekend to escape next month and celebrate our anniversary isn't helping either. But we will find our way through, and we'll do it together. We always do. That's part of what love is all about.

So then what does the ring omen mean? I know, I'm probably just putting more symbolism into the incident than I ought. The logical side of me stopped me from staying pissed about him not noticing - after all, his hands were half-numbed from the vibrations of the mower! It's not like he was trying to lose it or anything. I shouldn't feel all worked up over it.

And yet, I have that slightly unsettled feeling from it. As if it's saying something more that I haven't seen yet. Ironic, since it's usually Brian that talks about life sending us signs...

Hrm. Oh well, back to the day at hand. We're hosting a drum circle at our house tonight, so I need to get cooking and cleaning. Maybe filling the house with all that good drumming energy will purge any bad omens away. Like a musical smudging. That'd be cool.

G'night!

Current Mood: pensive

Out and About...

Last Sunday was Easter, which usually results in a family gathering at Brian's folks' house. Naturally, we attended. After all, how could we possibly resist a chance to show off our newest little family member? Unfortunately a good majority of my pictures turned out darker than they appeared on the little screen my camera has. I think I need to adjust the brighness on it to better reflect how they actually turn out. *grumbles*

There were some that turned out good, however. I thought I'd post a couple here...

Kayla with her Grandma. Brian's mom has itchy fingers as soon as she's near her grandchildren - especially while they are still in the infant stages. She just can't wait to steal them away for a snuggle!

Kayla with her Great Uncle Steve. This is MY uncle, on my mom's side. He was the funnest of my relatives while I was growing up. For some odd reason, my son is terrified of him! It makes NO sense at all, since Jareth usually has this keen sense about people. Despite the fact that Jareth has pointed my uncle out in pictures we have around the house, and seemed to look forward to seeing him - he literally tried to hide in my arms every time Steve actually tried to get near him! I'm totally baffled. Most kids love my uncle. Maybe Kayla will be the one of my kids to figure out that his nose "beeps" and his tongue comes out when you poke him in the belly!

Anyway, it was fun to see family again, and I actually got a chance to kind of relax a bit with all those people around to want to play with Jareth or hold Kayla! I even had wine! A glass of a wine cooler and then a half-glass of a raspberry zinfandel! Mmmm! AND I got to eat both the yummy dinner and dessert without having to worry about my sugar and carbs intake! A holiday indeed!

G'night!

Current Mood: awake

Brownie Points...

I call these "brownie points" when they come from a guy who just doesn't do the flower "thing". As much as I hate to say it, Brian's been in a bit of a brownie point deficiency as of late too. While I know I'm not the most girly girl around, I must say I can easily get suckered by this stuff...

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Current Mood: loved

Figuring In The Family Unit...

This post of Logtar's is going to save me from talking about the real reason I'm not blogging much right now. Because, to be perfectly honest, I'm depressed. There's tons and tons of factors bringing me down right now and I don't generally like this blog to be quite as dark and dreary as I predict it would be if I blogged about it. So, instead, I've been waiting on stuff to talk about otherwise. Logtar's comment on my last post led me over to peek in on his blog, where I found his post on family.

He mentions visiting with family on Sundays. Ironically enough, something Brian's family does, although recently we've had to cut it down to one Sunday per month because of schedules, house projects, and other conflicts. We chat over appetizers (usually something simple - chips, salsa, cheese, and crackers), and then chat more while dinner is eaten, and then finish our catching up over coffee and dessert. Frequently we stay longer than we initially intended, as it's always hard to pack it in and head home from that warm cocoon of family time. I sometimes say that I married Brian for his family, and I'm not altogether joking when I say that. My own family could barely stand to be in the room with each other for more than an hour without someone getting upset over something, so Brian's family has always been a sign to me that it can work. Marriage CAN work. Family CAN get along. These are the things I have grabbed hold of and am incorporating into raising my own little family.

I agree with Logtar, however, that it is NOT a commonly seen thing here in America. While we eat dinner at our house very late every evening so that we can still sit down at the table together despite Brian's work schedule, most families barely seem to do that anymore, if at all. Most of the stay-at-home moms I know complain frequently about the long hours their husbands have to work. Partly, the husbands have to work harder in order to maintain an economic balance that lately seems to need two people working just to happen. Anything more than a teeny little apartment and ramen noodle lunches seems to require that second income to exist first. Being a "mommy" is probably the hardest job ever - it certainly has the most pressure! I work practically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and am paid in hugs, kisses, and "I wuv you mommy" phrases. Not exactly something I can take to the grocery store and buy food on, but still rewarding, nonetheless. As for the pressure - I'm responsible for molding this little human being into a healthy, happy, individual somehow. I have to provide a good environment, education, encouragement, discipline, and lots of love both on command and spontaneously. Try doing that at your office job sometime. Egads!

Also, I have to say that it should really be both parents raising the child. While I can see the benefit to the mother being the primary caregiver in the early years - while the child is still developing and a lot of what they do is being derived from their raw emotions, it seems right to have the more empathic individual in charge of the upbringing. Part of the empathic link between a mother and child begins while that child is still inside the womb. The baby inside me right now can tell when I'm upset, and moves about anxiously (which means a LOT lately). I find myself purposely trying to calm myself down and rubbing circles on my stomach, trying to soothe the unborn infant, sometimes talking and sometimes just trying to generate waves of good feelings to send in there. After Jareth was born I found myself all but snatching him out of other people's arms if he so much as cried a little bit. My instincts kicked in to protect my little one from anything and everything that might upset him. I've needed to hold him if he's been hurt - my own heart pounding right along with his as I held him in my arms and crooned to him that it would be alright. There is definitely a bond there.

But I also see the bond between my son and Brian growing stronger all the time. Not just because they are both male either. Jareth needs his daddy just as much as he needs me. The father is, inherently, the protector of the family. I've noticed that now, when Brian's home, Jareth will still want my love and snuggles if he gets hurt, but he's not fully satisfied until his father has also hugged him and assured him that all is well again. I find, lately, that my own time with my husband has dropped down to next to nothing as we both try to take advantage of what little time Brian has at home - allowing that bond between him and Jareth to flourish. It is clear to me that Jareth requires both his parents to be a part of his life. Each of us are equally important to his development.

But, in modern America, no one is paying us to do the most important job of all - raise our children. And "money" is required for us to DO that job. We have to have money just to provide some of the most basic needs - food, shelter, clothing, to say the least.

Sadly, I have no solutions to offer up to the problem. We're struggling along on one income in order to allow me to be home, and yet I'm still taking classes with the intent to one day work at home so that our finances will maybe get better. It seems like the best we can do. The most we can hope for. In reality, there should be some way that both Brian and I could work part-time and share both responsibilities. But part-time doesn't usually come with insurance, or decent enough pay to make it honestly work if we ever wanted to be more than "lower class" citizens. While I don't need a monster house or gourmet meals every night, I do need to know that our kids can go to college one day or that we can take them to the doctor when they are sick without running the risk of bankruptcy.

In the end, it's just not fair. But then, nobody EVER tried to tell me life was FAIR. That's for damned sure. I'd just hoped for it.

But it IS still worth it. My little growing family. It may seem really hard, but it is definitely worth it.

G'night!

Current Mood: thoughtful

Solstice, Christmas, and The Strange Case of The Disappearing Eyebrows...

Apparently pregnancy makes my eyebrows thin out. I noticed this last time too, although normally it doesn't specifically bother me. While others have encouraged me to occasionally trouble myself with painfully yanking some of the small hairs out of my own face, I've never really paid much attention to them. I'd much rather have slightly overly-enthusiastic eyebrows than thin pencil lines drawn above my eyes in a perpetual look of surprise. I've "plucked" maybe twice in my life. I really didn't care for it much. I'm one of those women who will only put on enough makeup to make me feel as if the dark circles have gone away and any other flaws have been minimized as much as possible. If I could, I wouldn't bother with the stuff at all, but my self-image just isn't that good. Oh, well. More money for L'Oreal I guess.

But pregnancy makes my eyebrows thin away so that it feels like they are going to just not BE there in a week. With the holidays, and the knowledge that *gasp* PICTURES will be taken, the makeup comes out in force. I found myself lining the damned things back in with eyebrow pencil. And putting OTHER makeup onto my face. Crap like LIPSTICK and EYESHADOW! Oh, the horror! Let's just not TALK about the curling iron and the small burnmark on my left index finger, shall we? And that this is the one time of year that I liberally damage the ozone layer with the three or four POUNDS worth of hairspray that I use to superglue my hair in place once I have it where I want it to stay. I close the door on the bathroom, take a huge breath of air, and begin to spray. Then I warn the locals not to light a match anywhere within ten feet of the bathroom for at LEAST an hour. It could be fatal.

So the last few days have been a whirlwind of hairspray and chaos as we went about on our holiday tour. Last Wednesday, in the evening, we finished our Solstice day by attending a service that RainMoon had invited us to, at a nearby Unitarian Universalist Church. I was leery, as I always am when the word "church" comes into play. But, after the drum circle / Solstice event we'd attended the previous Sunday, I was willing to give it a try. It was definitely a different feel than the other one had been, with a considerable amount of Wiccan lean to it. A sort of combination of ritual and carolling (Christmas songs were "adjusted" with more pagan-based lyrics) and definitely more aimed towards children. While a few parts of it were particularly enjoyable, and the people seemed really nice, I think I may have preferred the way the stuff on Sunday was handled a bit more overall. But it was great to get out and DO something specifically Solstice-related on the actual day, so I was pleased we decided to go.

Thursday and Friday were mostly about hectic preparations. I spent most of Thursday trying to get our yearly newsletter together, but it's really only just getting finished today. I still need to print it and sign the cards we bought to send out with it, since I didn't have time to design a card this year as I usually do. I'm hoping we'll be mailing them out tomorrow - FINALLY. I've only been wanting to get it done for over a month now, but there's been lots of other little things that kept coming up. Friday I went shopping and then started the cooking - desserts for Saturday evening's festivities and appetizers to bring on Sunday too. Even so, both Saturday and Sunday morning there was work to be finished up in the cooking, but I got the bulk out of the way on Friday. While I shopped, I also picked up ingredients to start cooking some of the meals out of the diabetic cookbook that Brian got me for Solstice. Tonight will be the first of those meals. I'm hoping they turn out yummy.

Saturday we spent the second half of the day at Brian's uncle's house, spending time with the family at Brian's mom's family's half of the Christmas celebrations. Sunday, Christmas Day, is traditionally more Brian's dad's family, although that's also the one that family members of mine come to as well. Our recent announcements about celebrating Solstice and not exchanging gifts didn't seem to put a damper on the festivities at all, as we all enjoyed catching up with one another and basking in the warm glow of family. It always amazes me how well the members of Brian's family seem to get along with one another. I love that I get to expose my son to that kind of environment every so often throughout the year. I recall my own family holidays as being difficult events where everyone had to work hard NOT to have some sort of fight come about. It's nice to be able to just relax and enjoy a full-fledged family engagement like that.

There were a few gifts that came our way. Some people didn't know about the recent changes yet, and others just wanted to do it anyway. Most of the gifts were for Jareth, and all seemed very lovingly chosen. We went into it knowing that there could be some of that, however, and had resolved to just accept gifts in the spirit they had been given. Most of what Jareth received was books, something we definitely encourage more of in this house, and my sister-in-law even gave him one that is specifically about the Winter Solstice, which I thought was really thoughtful of her.

Whew! What a whole lot to write about, and I feel like I'm just skimming over the edges of it mostly. I've got to get the printing started on the newsletter however (I'd be printing now, but it would seriously lag up the computer), so I'm going to stop here. Brian is home for the next couple of days too, so we'll be hopefully getting started on the work for the next child's bedroom finally. The holiday gatherings may have come to a close for us, but chaos still reigns true around here. My list of things to do doesn't seem to have actually gotten any shorter yet!

Lastly, for those Jewish readers out there, a Happy Hanukkah!!! And a Happy Kwanzaa to the African-American community as well!!!

Oh, and Happy Boxing Day to the people of Canada too eh? It's on the calendar, but I honestly haven't a clue what Boxing Day is all about. It's a national holiday of some sort or other. I'll have to look it up one of these days, but my Multicultural Calendar is in the other room. I've already gotten the one for next year. I encourage everyone to buy one of these, as they are really cool. And they don't even pay me to say that, although they should. A free yearly calendar would be nice... *hint, hint*

Bah. They'll probably never even notice I linked them anyway. *shrug* But it's still a cool calendar.

G'night!

Current Mood: busy

Thanksgiving...

Well, despite a smaller attendance than originally anticipated, Thanksgiving was a fun event as always. Sometimes I think I married my husband for his family! I certainly know that it had a definite impact on the idea of a marriage actually working - my own background wasn't exactly filled with warm, happy relationship models. Brian, on the other hand, has parents who are not only still together after all these years, but he and his sister even get along with both each other AND their parents!!!

It boggles the mind, really.

Brian's aunt and uncle who live in Illinois joined us as well. While we don't get to see them as often as we might like, since they live nearly a couple hours away, we always enjoy a chance to see them. That's one of the nice things about the holidays, over the course of just a couple of months you get to catch up with a whole bunch of family that you may only see once or twice otherwise throughout the year. Most people tend to dread this - I used to be one of them - but Brian's family is the coolest, and I look forward to these events. Sometimes it will seem like a lot of work to put together Thanksgiving, or to bundle everyone up for a drive out to someone's house, but in the end it is always a wonderful, rewarding experience.

My own uncle, who I was looking forward to having over since I get to see him so rarely, came down with the stomach flu and was unable to come after all. This basically meant it was us and Brian's relatives in attendance, as my sister chose to avoid all family this year again and share Thanksgiving with some family friends instead. Since she has been one of the prime people to condemn my journal-style blogging here, I will refrain from commenting on my feelings about that. She knows how I feel. We'll just leave it at that. In fact, I'll stop talking about that situation now, as I keep having to delete the end of this paragraph...

*pauses for a moment to console the unborn child who senses mommy's tension*

As always, I tend to try and compensate for all potential possiblities and put together WAY more food than we needed. In fact, with others having brought food as well, we probably could have fed more than twice the people we had with all that food. Brian and I will be eating leftovers for most of a week!

I didn't eat any lunch yesterday, but then filled up somewhat on appetizers before I began the last-minute cooking that needed to be done. Between all those appetizers and the flurry of getting everything to the final stage for serving, I ended up having next to no appetite when it came time to actually eat the dinner itself. I pointedly tried to taste everything, so I'd at least know if something turned out horrible (and could thus apologize!) but it seemed as if everything was all good in the end.

I know that Brian already mentioned it on his blog too, but I have to thank his mom for helping with cleaning up afterwards. THANK YOU!!! Between cleaning house and pre-cooking stuff the day before, and the bazillion and four last minute things that needed doing Thanksgiving Day, I hit the end of the night and was petering out pretty completely. Where I normally try to protest and kick everyone else out of the kitchen to go socialize while I clean up, I kinda just gave in last night. Thanksgiving can normally be a bit of a production, but doing it while pregnant was a bit more than my back and hips were ready for, really. The preventative Tylenol I had taken before people had arrived had pretty much worn off by then too. Brian, himself, was a saint to handle most of the serious cleaning beforehand, and what his mom didn't do afterwards he took care of as well. There was an amazingly small amount of stuff left (mostly empty the dish drainer and the dishwasher of the clean dishes and put them away) for me to do in the end. I was really blown away by how much he took care of for me this year.

Jareth helped us clean house too! He's at this stage where he wants to do everything we do, and I'm trying to take that into account and find ways to let him participate when I can. On Wednesday, while Brian was cleaning, I heard him having to tell Jareth "NO!" every five minutes as our little boy tried to grab up one of the spray bottles of cleaning stuff and "help" his daddy in some way. I was in the kitchen, cutting and prepping stuff for Thursday's dinner and I had an idea. I grabbed an old spray bottle I had with 1/4 solution of some cleaner or other in it that was nearly gone anyway, and cleaned it out really thoroughly, rinsing it out and squirting water through it until I was sure it was clear of anything nasty. I then squirted it dry, not wanting him running around squirting water on everything either, and grabbed an old dishtowel that we now use for dusting and stuff. These became Jareth's "cleaning supplies" as he followed Brian around, spraying and wiping places that Brian told him he could clean. It worked like magic! The little guy was pleased as punch. (although he did keep trying to call my bluff and get me to give him more "water" in his squirtbottle to spray with - I told him his was "special cleaning stuff" and he usually bought it after a little coaxing.)

He also helped Brian with the vacuum too. I didn't believe it until I saw it, as our vacuum cleaner is heavy, but it also has a "drive" function that helps it move along the carpet once you start pushing. I'm told he vacuumed most of the family room, with Brian supervising and helping him not get stuck in corners. He absolutely loved it, and when Brian pulled the vacuum out again on Thursday morning for a last-minute touchup on one area, Jareth got downright pissed off when his daddy didn't let him help!

I think I'd better enjoy our "little helper" now, while he's excited about it. I know that one day I'll probably have to beg, bribe, or pull teeth just to get my kid to do a chore! But, for now, he's totally thrilled when he can help out. It is SO adorable!

I do have a picture of him with the vacuum. I may put it up, but I'm also looking to put up a picture of him in the little suit we had on him for Thanksgiving too. He looked so cute! It's a little shirt, vest, pants, and bow tie getup and while it didn't stay tucked in for very long, he was just the hansomest little guy ever wearing it! I haven't gotten around to uploading the pictures off my camera yet though, so maybe tomorrow or the next day I'll put them up. Today was my "lazy day" where I didn't do much more than put away the aforementioned remaining clean dishes and nap when Jareth did. Tomorrow I plan to be at least a smidge more productive. Probably. Well, maybe. We'll just see what happens, eh?

Well, this post is getting a tad lengthy, so I think I'll stop here.

G'night!

Current Mood: lazy

Now introducing the next member of my little family...

Heeeeeeeeeeerrrre's BABY!

The woman who did the scan said she's "definitely leaning towards a girl" after much prodding and trying to get my apparently modest little one to reveal what gender she? is. I have been informed that I am at 22 weeks and have a due date of March 16th. Sounds like it's time for me to get myself one of those countdown thingies and pop it up on my sidebar finally. It was surprisingly not far off from the March 19th date I had originally been given by the doctors.

Despite the fact that my kid kept her? legs crossed, there was some "showing off" for the rest of the scan. We got to see arms, legs, spine, heart, the works - far more than I think Jareth really showed off. He kept trying to crawl further back inside me and hide when they scanned him.

The only issue so far is that the baby is in there upside down - breech - at the moment. For now, this just means I'll get scheduled for another ultrasound at some point to make sure the little one flips into position properly. I was told there is plenty of room in there right now for spinning around, so I don't need to worry about it just yet. I stress myself out over enough stuff that I'll let this one slide until later. I'm more concerned about next month's appointment when I'll be tested for the gestational diabetes - something I had during the pregnancy with Jareth. I'd better get any further chocolate or marshmallow peeps fixations out of my system now - just in case.

Jareth still has no real clue that in March his life as he knows it will be utterly changed by the arrival of a new little human being in our house. I had hoped to see some glimmer of recognition that the picture on the screen was of a person and that the thing on my tumy was generating it. While he did look like he made the connection that the thing on my tummy was generating the image, he didn't seem to understand yet that the image was of his coming baby sibling. However, he was happy - the nurses liked him so much they gave him loot! There was a box of goodies under someone's desk and they let him have a whistle-thing, a clacker-thing, some stickers, and a rubber snake. I think he was going to get just one, but he pulled out the cuteness card again and said "thank you" which melts most people when they encounter him. Now why can't he just be that polite when *I* ask him to do something? Like take the nap he's supposed to be having right now?

As for names? We're still perplexed on what to name the baby if they are wrong and it's a boy instead. The current top of the list for a girl is "Kayla Evina", meaning "beloved young warrior." If she truely is a girl in there, we shall see if the name endures until her birth, or if it gets changed or tweaked along the way. While Jareth's name remained the same throughout, I make no guarantees either way.

That's all for now. Maybe more later, maybe not. In case there isn't, I'll end with the usual...

G'night!

Current Mood: jubilant

Sex and Pregnancy...

From a conversation today:

Me: "Look at that! The way it's laying there... It just looks so...tragic!"

Him: "Don't worry, I'll still love you forever even with your tragic breasts."

Some things about pregnancy are just not flattering or helpful when one is trying to maintain a healthy sex life with one's spouse. I have been "showing" more and more lately, which means my hips are wider, my boobs are bigger (yes, I do know that most people would consider that part a blessing, but I'm "endowed" enough to begin with, thankyouverymuch), and parts of me are bulging out and stretching so that I no longer fit comfortably into my "fat pants" anymore. Yes, it's true boys. Women have "fat pants." These are the blue jeans we don't admit are actually "fat pants" until AFTER we've lost the weight and they drop off our hips with barely a tug. And if you are a wise, wise husband indeed, you NEVER EVER UNDER PENALTY OF CERTAIN DEATH AND/OR DISMEMBERMENT mention it to a woman if she starts wearing her "fat pants" again after having put them in a drawer months or even years past. You smile and tell her she looks lovely. Just trust me.

There's another little thing that's interrupting our sex life however. Something other than my overall "MY GOD, I LOOK LIKE A BEACHED WHALE!" reaction when I look in the mirror at my current "motherly" figure. That would be the child itself. The little, unborn, kicking, spinning kid inside me. Ummm... yeah. Because NOTHING ruins the mood more than having the little one start kicking around in there during foreplay. I either get fascinated and want Brian to feel the baby too, or I get the "giggle effect". You see, I don't even let the cats in the bedroom when we're planning some "grownup snuggle time." I'm just not into that whole exhibitionist thing. And somehow anytime the little one starts kicking around in there I have this horrible "heeeeeere comes DADDY!" thing run through my head at the prospect of us having sex. Which TOTALLY ruins it. Nuh-uh. It ain't happenin' after that.

Of course post-sex, I had another thought run through my head... You know, adding some personality to those little spermy guys that just headed on in there...

"Hey guys... um... someone oughta tell the foreman or somethin', 'cause this job? It's already DONE!"

Yes, my mind DOES work in strange and sometimes abnormal ways. And now I've just given my in-laws potentially more insight into their son's sex life than they ever really wanted to know too. I think I'd better stop typing for tonight.

G'night!

Current Mood: weird

Whoosh-Whoosh-Whoosh-Whoosh...

That would be the sound of my unborn baby's heartbeat. "Whoosh-Whoosh" it goes. I got to hear it tonight finally. Not only that, but because of how the timing on the appointment happened to work out, Brian got to hear it too. So did Jareth, but his little mind isn't quite ready to wrap its mind around his future of being a "big brother" just yet. I keep tellin' him there's a baby in my tummy, but he just laughs and wants to sit on my lap. I don't think he's noticed yet that he's already slid down a bit from where he used to get to snuggle and that my tummy has recently been growing. I'm curious how he will react as I get bigger and the little "kickadee" inside me (Jareth had that name for a while too, when I was pregnant with him) gets more obvious to the rest of the world. At one point with Jareth we were visiting with friends and could literally watch ripples across my tummy from him moving around inside. Looked kinda like something out of one of those Alien movies, actually, but was also really neat because I knew it was my child doing it.

On the 10th, we go for the ultrasound! We'll get our first peek at the new little one and maybe even get an idea of what gender the baby is. Last time we had names picked out by the ultrasound. That means that I now have a bit of a countdown going on the name-choosing. Time to pull out the notes I was taking on names I liked and get back to it. We literally chose Jareth's name as we sat waiting to get the ultrasound done. We have 8 more days to work on possible names, and then the following morning it's choosing time. We ought to have one ready for both possible genders. Of course there's no saying we can't change our minds in the time between then and March. Just that we didn't last time.

The new doctor I saw is... well, she's better than that other guy was, so that's an improvement. As Brian put it - she doesn't really understand me. But at least she did have a couple suggestions to try for some of the problems I'm having. It's a step in the right direction. She also gave me answers on why a few things are happening, like some pain I'm having in my abomen and a patch of skin on one thigh that feels like it's been rubbed raw even though it hasn't. For the latter, it's a nerve the baby is likely sitting on. For the pain in the abdomen, it's because it's a second pregnancy. I guess my body isn't holding me together as well now that I already have stretch marks from the previous pregnancy. I'm not sure I entirely understood it, but at least it puts my mind at ease for the moment. I might get more answers on that one from the ultrasound too.

Next visit I'll also get tested for the gestational diabetes. Knowing that it might be coming might have me on a chocolate binge over the next month. I made brownies tonight, but then class didn't go so well and I needed comfort food. More on that another time though. I don't feel like ranting about my teacher tonight - I already told Brian all about it. And he even went and got me eggs so I could make the brownies. Some days my husband is a saint for putting up with me!

G'night!

Current Mood: loved

Another hairy situation tended to...

Brian has done it now...

Not only that, but he also bought the evil, vile, wicked leash cell phone today too. He's all ready to buckle down and start selling some campers and motor homes next week. After they train him on all their paperwork stuff first.

I like his new look. He's got the appropriate shorter haircut for the office, so to speak, but still has that slightly rugged and windblown look to him too. I'd also forgotten how his face looks different with short hair. The longer hair tended to frame his face and make it look slightly longer in the process.

Don't get me wrong, I did love my long-haired man. But I totally dig this new look too. The way he looked at me right after he finished getting it cut - he looked mischievous! It was sooo hot! *blush*

Sorry, but I had my son in my hands instead of my camera at that particular moment, so I didn't catch that one as the picture for him to post.

There was quite a bit of hair cut off. We're going to look into donating it somewhere if it's enough, so if anybody knows of places to do that, feel free to drop me a link here in the comments or something.

However, the not-quite-three-hours of sleep last night is wearing on me pretty badly, so...

G'night!

Current Mood: tired (more like exhausted!)

A little thing regarding a rabbit...

I was going to tell about the Cosley Zoo today, and how it was fun to take Jareth around and see their animals even though we'd just done the Brookfield Zoo over the weekend. They have this lovely little duck pond where we sat for a while and watched the ducks and their kids (not quite babies anymore, but still fluffy around the edges) bobbing and floating and flapping themselves dry around the water.

I even have pictures. A really cool of of a frog, too. But I got distracted by something else today. So I'll give you a different picture instead. One I took this afternoon...

Yep. That explains a LOT about why I haven't been sleeping lately, I've been breaking out like a teenager again, and I've got the "hungries" something fierce. I just figured it was my grumpiness from only two hours sleep last night that caused me to buy two packages of cookies today, despite the recent dieting I've been doing. But then, on the Fourth of July, I was devouring fruit like it was going out of style for some reason. I just couldn't get enough! It seemed strange, but my period wasn't late by that point so I wrote it off to the allergies problems and my body wanting extra of something. I've been suffering pretty bad from my allergies this summer and I've written quite a bit off as being related to that.

The real questions right now are 1) when's my due date/when exactly did we conceive 2) how are we going to pay for this with no insurance (although we've been getting some info on that already and it looks like we won't be totally screwed like we thought) and 3) boy or girl? There seems to already be a strange leaning of people suggesting "twins", but then some people suggested that last time too. I just want another healthy baby.

Now I know why the cats have been looking at me funny too. Nora knew before I did last time too.

Well, this mommy needs some sleep.

G'night!

Current Mood: bouncy

Sunday Dinner and the Double-Ingredient Meatloaf...

I really wish recipes would mention how much longer it takes to cook something if you intend on doubling the recipe. Perhaps there's a web site out there with some conversions for some of that, maybe I'll google it if I have time at some point. But I doubled a meatloaf recipe and had to give it an extra half an hour tonight and bump up the temperature to have it done at some reasonable hour near dinnertime.

Other than that, the day seemed to go well enough. We had the folks (Brian's) over for dinner and then dropped my car off for some repair work that they'll do for me tomorrow. When Brian gets home tomorrow we'll get my car back, but until them I'll be here all day. It's pretty much the only day next week I don't have something planned that I need to go out of the house for so I'll see what I can get done around here. Maybe laundry. *sigh* Maybe not. We'll just wait and see.

Not much else to say today, and I have to go help tuck my little guy into bed now.

G'night!

Vacation? VACATION !!!

It's official! Next month, instead of giving each other anniversary gifts, we are taking a vacation instead! It's all booked! Woohoo!!!

*dances around the room*

We leave Thursday, May 12th in the late afternoon and arrive back Monday, May 16th around 5pm-ish.

We're going to Florida for some oceanside beach!

Can I say it again?

BEACH !!! With OCEAN !!!

*bounces happily*

In case you couldn't tell, I'm a smidge excited. We haven't really been anywhere since our travels in the motorhome and I totally get wanderlusty if I stay still for too long.

And - for those who don't know - this will also be my VERY FIRST TIME on an airplane!

Yep. You heard right. I will no longer be the odd one out at the dinner table for having never "flown" anywhere before. LOL!

Okay, I'm going to go bask in my "happy cloud" for a while.

G'night!

Memories of days gone past...

I know, I didn't blog yesterday. I was too tired and had too much mucking about in my mind to put things down in a coherent fashion. So I crawled into bed instead. Yesterday, as Brian mentioned on his blog, was his grandma's memorial service. People gathered and remembered. It was a farewell, and also a bit of a weighted and exhausting day. After the service ended we went for some food with family and friends. We ended the evening by going to Grandma's apartment to help look through her stuff. Now that her immediate children have had the chance to divide some of the personal effects that hold special meaning for them, we have the opportunity to look for small trinkets of hers to remember her by.

It's an odd thing going through someone's belongings after they are gone. You can peek in the medicine chest or open drawers without any real sense of guilt. And yet, I always find that I do it gently - as if I might accidentally move or damage something important. As if I might release something holding her essence in it for someone who needs to feel it near them. Or maybe it's just that part of you that is unwilling to admit that the person is gone and is afraid that they will walk in at any moment and find you rummaging through their stuff.

We now have a small painting that she painted, for example, and a book with recipes and newspaper clippings relating to food and things like "how to clean crystal" in it. She was knitting soft balls for babies for an organization and there were some finished ones sitting in her knitting basket. I snagged two of them and a stuffed teddy bear for when we have our next child. Jareth already has a couple of stuffed balls from her as well as a couple of stuffed animals. She had just ordered one for him, in fact, from one of the wildlife foundations she liked to contribute to. I received a letter from her only days before she died, mentioning that she'd gotten it and would send it along to us the next time she saw Brian's dad. I've tucked that note in with the last set of pictures I sent her, which the note had also been thanking me for. We've gotten the pictures we'd given her back, and I saw today that she saved each of the notes that I had sent with them, tucking them into the sleeves of the photo albums with the pictures.

It's those little things that can tell you a lot about a person. That, and all the warm, glowing things people had to say about her at the memorial service.

I sometimes think I've gotten a little used to death, after losing so many of my own family. But I still felt strange entering her apartment yesterday evening and not finding her there. Finding the chaos that happens after someone dies...

And I am reminded once again to continue to get rid of some of my unecessary junk. Because I don't want to inflict it on someone else to sort through if something should happen to me. I would hate to think of what all my clutter would tell people about me if I were gone. What kind of tales would they reveal, I wonder?

I am currently awhirl with thoughts. Too many to put down here. Better to let them unwind one at a time when they are ready.

G'night.

Easter

Easter has been through my house today. With it came relatives, food, gifts for our son, and a whole lot of commotion. On one hand, it was a day of family gathering, good food, and conversation. On the other hand, it was a little frustrating realizing that we have not yet made others to understand that we, meaning Brian and I, do not celebrate Easter specifically. We were celebrating Spring today. We did a slightly nicer meal on the actual date of the Spring Equinox, but we chose to do our celebrating today in order to compliment their Easter celebrations.

I think that pretty soon we will need to have a few discussions with our family on what it means that we are defining our spiritual paths in our house. Because we're not "good Christians". Hell, we're not even bad Christians. On the spirituality form, I guess we'd have to check the box for "other". And as for the Easter Bunny? Or Santa Claus? Nice stories. Good stories to share. But, no matter how many men and women dress up in fuzzy bunny suits and pose for pictures with kids at the mall each year, it will not make gifts from the Easter Bunny magically appear for those children when the date rolls around. If you bought the gift for my kid - take credit for it! I don't care that you bought it for him because it's "Easter" as long as it's not something with specific religious connotations attached. You can buy my kid gifts any holiday you want. (You don't even have to wait for a holiday to roll around if you don't want to.) In fact, I think it's a sweet and generous thing for you to do. Just don't go telling him that it's from some mythical bunny rabbit.

*sigh*

I'm not upset, just frustrated. I don't know how to best explain to people how we want to handle holidays when we're celebrating something different from what everyone else around us is celebrating. Not only that, but we're moving our celebration date (since we're in the minority here, after all) over to the day their's is in order to better fit in. I'd bet there would have been at least one relative who would have had a fit if we'd asked them all to move it to last Sunday and celebrate our holiday instead!

*sigh*

I need answers. I'm in a pagan parenting group, but it's really just us and RainMoon's family. She and I are going to try and kick-start it since she's the organizer. I'm going to get a web site up and put together some flyers we can put around with cards on them that people can take. It will give me a forum to discuss problems like this one at least. Hopefully I'll find some answers that will help me figure out how to make myself heard without alienating the family in the process.

Oh... I think the lamb went over well. Brian and I both liked it, anyway.

But now, I'm wiped. So...

G'night!

P.S. - I had this terrible urge to title this post "Be Very Quiet, I'm Hunting Wabbits!" instead. I don't know why... *grin*

Etched in my memories...

Today, the Howard family grieves as another woman's name is to be etched in stone. Current generations will stand in rememberance and future generations will stare at the letters and numbers wondering what she was like when she was alive. Brian's grandmother, his father's mother, has passed on to her next journey after 91 years spent in this one.

In the time I have known her, I picked up on calling her "grandma" very easily, like finding a warm sweater that was meant to wrap around me in a comforting hug. I actually mentioned her here only just last month, when we spent part of a Saturday visiting with her. She was clear-minded and full of life, despite being physically tired out from age taking it's toll on her body. In some ways, we've known for the last few years that our time with her was limited, but she has always been stubborn about making sure she was able to take care of herself and was rather unhappy when they finally took her driver's license away. Despite her very old-fashioned ways of sending thank you notes for your thank you notes (something I found endearing as I amusedly wondered if I was supposed to send thank you notes back for hers too!), she had an adventurous nature about her. And, now that I think back on some of the stories of hers I had the chance to hear, I can't seem to recall her talking about the bad times she and her family had been through from time to time, but focusing on the stories of times when things were going well instead.

So now, as I reflect on the time that I knew her, I will be focusing on the good moments, and try to remember the stories she shared for when I show my son the pictures we have of him sitting on her lap. I will tell him of his Great-Grandma Howard, and how she kept reminding me that she was my grandma too, and that I was part of the family. I will let him know about her tin of cookies and how she kept letting him eat them, despite my feeble protests, as an old grandma ought. And how she amazed my sister with her intellect one Christmas when she happened to know all sorts of information on dinosaurs, when that was one of my sister's interests at the time. How, at 91 years old, she could still program her VCR without batting an eye, and apologized for being too tired to cook us up some snacks!

She will be fondly remembered.

Goodnight.

Sickness abounds...

Seems like people keep getting sick around here this year. Brian is sick today, and might even stay home from work tomorrow if he doesn't feel better in the morning. We didn't go to his folks today for dinner as planned, because his mom is also sick with the flu. We seem to be going round and round with illnesses lately. I'd like it to stop please...

So today was low-key, for the most part. I had both Jareth and Brian napping at the same time today, so it was quiet this afternoon. It ended up feeling more like a weekday, with me doing some of the more productive things at my desk.

But today, I'm working on a little dilemma - Brian has a meetup group that he has been to once and is attending this coming week again. The topic of it is one that I find myself interested in as well, and I'm wanting to go to it as well. The problem is that I don't want to intrude on what Brian is doing. Other than work, there isn't a lot that he does that I'm not somehow involved in as well, so this meetup group was originally thought to be something he'd be doing as a "him thing." He has, however, suggested that I might go to it too, especially since there's a spinoff meetup that's starting up that I wouldn't be involved in. But I'm worried about intruding on his thing. He's already admitted to wondering if he will act differently with me there than he might otherwise. Hrm.

I have to decide before Wednesday, since that's when the meetup is.

Decisions, decisions...

G'night.

If it's not one thing it's another...

Okay, fine. So I'm feeling better enough I guess. But Brian stayed home sick today instead. I guess while I was busy trying not to give it to Jareth, I managed to give it to my husband instead. Damn. He's just in the beginning stages of it today, so I'm expecting there will be a couple more days home this week. We'll see. Maybe he will weather it better than I did.

Of course he gets to stay home and rest while I went off with Jareth to today's meetup group, and then got some more organizing done during Jareth's nap... He took the day off to be sick and got the day off. Yes - I'm jealous. Very, very, very jealous. I hinted and dreamed and wished that he would stay home one day last week while I was feeling the worst of it so that I could take just one day off and sleep to let my body heal itself. But I didn't outright ask him to - I would have given myself a terrible guilt trip over him not going to work for a day, and us not having that day's paycheck either. So I plodded on with the daily tasks and tried to minimize any extra tasks to as little as possible. *grumble, grumble, grumble*

Okay, rant done with now. *sigh*

Anyway, hopefully his bout with this won't be as bad as mine felt. It should help that he got a day of rest today. I just hope we don't pass this back and forth. That would be really crappy.

More tomorrow.

G'night.

Something old & something new...

Today was the "travel day" of our weekend. We got out to see Brian's grandmother, who hasn't had a chance to see us or Jareth in a while. I try to keep sending her pictures, but she's about an hour drive away and so we have to block out a good half-day at least if we want to go visit her. She hadn't seen him walking around yet, and seemed excited to watch him exploring her little apartment. She lives in a little retirement community building for older folks who are still able to get around and look after themselves, so she's got a cute little one-bedroom apartment there. She's lonely. I wish there were more days in the weekends so we could get over to see her more regularly. She has lots of stories to tell, about the different jobs she's worked in her life, the places she's been to, and the family she's raised. I fear many of those tales will slip away one day when she does. I know that so many stories that my own grandmother and grandfather had have been lost.

She's one of the sweetest women I've met, and reminds me of the grandmother I wish I'd had growing up. She's very proper - the woman will send me a thank you card for my sending her a thank you card! - and always tries to be "hostess" to us even when we remind her that it's not necessary. She's 91 years old now - I think she's earned the right to sit back and relax while people visit with her. She did the grandma thing today, by continuing to feed Jareth cookie after cookie while we were there. I protested a little after the third one (when the only one left in the tin was HUGE in comparison to the little ones he'd been eating), but she pretty much let him have it anyway, AND a fortune cookie from a bag she practically bullied us into opening and sharing with her. She's always trying to offer us food when we're there, always being the perfect hostess.

Another thing she does is tell me how wonderful it is to have me in her family. She's so sweet about things like that - making me feel welcome and wanted. I know that she has her moments where she'll complain about how she doesn't feel well, but then I don't know of an old person who doesn't. I can't think of her as anything other than a sweet grandmother, who reminds me of the little old lady next door, Grandma Parsons, and the other little old lady a couple doors down, Birdie (that was a nickname - her real name was Virginia Wright), who I knew when I was very small. They both always had cookies and hugs for me when I went to visit them. They were the grandmothers who spoiled me proper - with sweets and stories and love. My own granmother was more the type to try and spoil me with expensive pretty packages wrapped up in bows that often contained the much-loathed pink frilly dresses.

The other thing we did today was go to Dave's Down to Earth Rock Shop. Brian's dad had gotten us a gift certificate for Christmas, and we spent some time browsing through their stuff - they have quite a bit. The store was a bit full of pushy people for my taste, and I felt a bit cramped, but their selection was neat to look at. We had stayed longer than we planned to at Grandma's though, so we didn't get a chance to check out the museum they have downstairs. Next time.

I found a new ring, Brian got a neat rock thingy (it has a wolf print put into it and painted in) and a hand-made native american drum. We also got Jareth a stuffed dinosaur. We spent the gift certificate and then some in the process and had fun.

Then we grabbed some dinner about halfway back on the long drive home. Hot dogs tonight. Portillo's has always had the best hot dogs as far as I'm concerned. I have tried making all sorts of hot dogs at home and can never seem to match the taste of one of theirs. I also think their fries are the best too - when they're freshly made and unsalted though. My mom and I used to get Portillo's hot dogs and the fries would all get eaten on the drive back home with the food. Yum!

Anyway, that's all for today. Tomorrow there's some stuff to get done. Hopefully it can get finished quickly and we can kick back for the rest of the day.

G'night!

Cleaning up and back injury...

Well, I got some of that crap I was procrastinating about done. I managed to reduce about three piles on my desk to two much, much shorter ones. One of which is mostly just stuff I want to read if I ever have time. The other is shorter than the first and is stuff I need to sort through or attend to in some way. There was a third short pile that needs to be filed away, but that can go in the much bigger pile of other stuff awaiting the same fate. I also managed to clean out my main desk drawer, which had become a collection of printed sheets relating to things I've either purchased or sold online. The recycle bin that I keep by my desk is just a box with a plastic bag in it, but at the moment it is stuffed full of flyers, catalogs, junk mail, and other things I found that are either outdated or useless to me. Buh-bye junk!

I just wish I could say that my desk actually looks any cleaner as a