DragonBlog

Any Day Now...

The "bag" is packed (finally). The lists are written. People are waiting in the wings.

Any day now, my newest little one is coming.

I am all but holding my breath in anticipation. I will be holding my breath during the delivery. Several times when delivering Jareth, Brian had to remind me to breathe. Not in the way a partner "coaches" a woman giving birth, but more in the effort to get me to actually DO so!

I am already reminding myself to breathe. While some people say the second childbirth is easier than the first, nothing about this pregnancy has been quite the same as the first one. I'm a little nervous and scared. Mostly I just can't wait to a) meet my little one, and b) have my body back. Of course it will actually take a little longer for that second one to happen. The body doesn't just spring back overnight like one might wish. Oof.

The newest set of baby blue eyes are coming... I can't wait to see them gazing up at me. Which of us will look at the other with more wonder? Her or me?

G'night!

Current Mood: anxious

The Deadline Approaches...

I was just at the doctor's today, having my weekly (now upgraded to BI-weekly, damnit!) NST monitoring and doctor's appointment, thus keeping me in the two areas of the facility for a good four and a half hours. At one point, I was nearly in a panic when they saw a "variation" on the test and had me stay on the monitor longer. I guess if they'd seen another such "variation" it might have meant me staying there. I don't know if they would have just kept me there to watch over or what, but I sure don't feel ready yet.

Nonetheless, I got the news from the doctor today that if I haven't gone into labor by the 14th, she wants to induce me. So now the little one is on a deadline, and so am I. I guess I'd better finish getting all my "lists" in order and make sure Brian knows what to pack in case I do end up stuck in the hospital after one of those tests or something. Last time I had a few hours to finish packing up and eat something before they even wanted me to head to the hospital. I guess this kid could be a little more spontaneous. She's already taking after her mommy that way, eh? Oh boy. I'm in for an interesting parenting job with this one if that's the case!

So, instead of the "sometime two weeks before or two weeks after" rule that I've heard before, this kid will likely be born no later than the 15th, depending on what time of day they would induce me.

Are you ready world? 'Cause here she comes...

Additional note: I just flipped the calendar to March, since it starts tomorrow. The 14th is a full moon. Just thought that was an interesting point of note.

Current Mood: anxious

Am I Cooked Yet?

You know that pop-up button that some turkeys come with to let you know when they are cooked so you don't have to muck about with a meat thermometer?

Yeah. That thingy. My belly button feels about ready to do that any day now...

I think I'm just about cooked.

More later. Brian just got home from another long day at the RV show he's been doing. Thus I must go vampire-suck my day's worth of grown-up human contact out of him before he runs for the bed to get some sleep.

G'night!

Current Mood: crazy

Heart and Soul...

Today I had another ultrasound, this time to look specifically at the baby's heart and make sure everything looked okay. The brief version is that it looked like everything was doing just fine. When I mentioned that I hadn't gotten any pictures at the last one, however, the woman doing the scanning printed me out some. I have three shots - one of which is to show "girl parts" but is NOT going up on the web (The kid hasn't even left the womb yet, I'm certainly not going to put her privates up for the whole damned internet to see! Good grief!), but the other two are profile shots where you can see her...

I realized I haven't even put up any pictures this year yet until today! I really HAVE been busy, haven't I? Today was a usual "tuesday = doctor day" kind of day, except that the ultrasound was an add-on to the other two places at the hospital I have to go to for the NST test and my OB-GYN appointment. RainMoon was able to join me this time, helping keep me sane as I shuffled around from office to office, weary and worn as I am lately. After we muddled through all that, we hit a local diner for a quick afternoon "snack" and some much-needed downtime from all the hassle and hurry I usually have. I ended up venting some of my latest frustrations, and she was a total sweetie to listen to all my whining.

Anyway, thought I'd pop in and share the photos! Again, we had more confirmation that it's a girl in there. I've been calling her "baby Kayla" pretty regularly now, and am starting to let every one else's certainty sink into me. While I love the idea of having a little girl, I wouldn't want a little boy to not think he was wanted. In the end, I just want another healthy little bundle of joy in my arms for me to weep happily over. But it seems like it's clear it will be a girl now, so I guess I'll have to start perusing over the baby clothes my mother-in-law still has saved from when my sister-in-law was little. While some of the clothes end up being outdated and weren't worn, Jareth wore some of the stuff she had from when Brian was little! I find it amazing that she held onto them all for so long! But, to be honest, most baby blue jeans and sleepers just haven't changed a whole hell of a lot over the years. heh.

That's all for now. I've got yet more stuff calling for my attention.

G'night!

Current Mood: optimistic

The Weekly Post?

Seems that Brian is posting more often than I am lately. Between the busy schedule and the overall tiredness that seems to be coming over me lately, I still just haven't had the time. When I am at my computer, I'm checking e-mail or working on a web project for a client. So I might just be posting weekly for now, possibly until the baby is born. Then I might have a bit of a dry spell before I come back full force, depending on if the new little one decides to sleep through the nights and what-not.

Meanwhile, my doctor appointments seem to have increased again. At the last appointment, my doctor needed to suddenly go deliver a baby and wasn't available to take regular appointments. This, at least, I can totally understand. I would hope that when *I* go into labor she'll blow off her appointments to take care of me too! The trouble was that the midwives that usually take over when she's not available weren't in yet and they needed to reschedule the appointments altogether. Since I've also been having an NST (a fetal monitoring test that checks how often the baby moves and stuff) each time, they sent me to have the test at a different area, within the hospital, instead of there in the adjacent office building I was at for the appointment. No big deal, I was more concerned at the time about some tests that the ultrasound guy wants me to do and the fact that my lunch glucose numbers are still a little high no matter how little I eat for lunch. Turns out I'll deal with that stuff next week at my normal Tuesday appointment.

Mainly, the problem is that while I was up in the labor & delivery ward, having my NST done, the midwife that did come in to take care of things in the doctor's absence, decided that I should have all my NSTs done in labor & delivery now, despite the fact that they have the machine there in their office too. Labor & delivery requires I make an appointment for it. They also can't guarantee how long it will take - anywhere from a half an hour to an hour each time, depending on if the baby moves around enough or not.

Now, I have to take Jareth with for all this crap to begin with. I try not to drag him out for "mommy's appointments" any more often than I have to. With my class on Mondays and Wednesdays and Jareth's class Tuesday mornings, adding an extra doctor's appointment is getting tricky. I've also got to go register every single time I go for the NST now, meaning I need to allow an extra 15 minutes for THAT too! Basically, I've scheduled them an hour before my doctor's appointment since they are in buildings that are attached to each other and I don't want to have to drive out twice. It means that Tuesdays are not SHOT. I will get nothing done except Jareth's class, lunch, and my doctor's appointments. I will also have to check my lunch glucose levels while I'm doing the NST, unless I can time it just right.

I'm getting frustrated. It seems that every time I start to settle into a little bit of a routine and figure out when my supposed "free time" actually IS, I end up with something else I need to compensate for. I'm stressed out FAR more than I'm generally willing to admit to. They should be testing ME for stress, not the baby! Of course the baby is stressed out some - her MOMMY is stressing to the MAX nowadays. I hope I'm not already giving her neurosis from the womb! Sheesh!

It seems like they only change something, or otherwise make my life more stressful, when I go to the doctor without another grown-up in tow for moral support (and to help me keep Jareth preoccupied for a couple of boring hours from a two-year-old standpoint). Thus, RainMoon is going to try and come to all the rest of my appointments with me. Hopefully they won't throw any more hoops for me to jump through if I've got someone there on MY side. Seems that anytime it's just Jareth and I they say something that leaves me in tears. Which, I suppose, doesn't say a LOT since I end up in tears pretty easily lately - damned hormones! I'm a freaking wreck!

And you wonder why I'm not blogging much? I don't want this to be "RaynDragon's Doom & Gloom Page." I expect things will pick up again around here once my newest little one has popped out and lit my life back up again with coos and smiles. I SO can't wait to have this baby...

G'night!

Current Mood: stressed

Teeny, Tiny Hiccups...

I'd totally forgotten about it. Something that had amazed me the last time I was pregnant, when the nurse explained during one of my visits in those last few months of pregnancy...

"Sometimes the baby kicks in a really regular rhythm," I told her. "Is that because it can hear my heartbeat or something?"

"No, actually," she said with a smile. "Those are hiccups."

Hiccups. Hiccups! I'm feeling the hiccups all over again.

When Jareth was born, I bet he missed having that nice fluid sack around him, absorbing some of the momentum caused by the hiccups. Because as an infant, hiccups seemed to shake his whole body like mini volcanic eruptions from within his little chest!

I think it's so cute that my unborn child is having hiccups!

Except for the part where they most often occur when I'm trying to fall asleep.

Yeah. *sigh* Such is my lot in life when relating to this pregnancy. At least they are another little reminder that the baby's okay and still moving in there. I'd rather have to wait out the hiccups before I can sleep than have no indications at all.

My next ultrasound is on the 21st. Despite the circumstances that are requiring me to have another ultrasound in the first place, I still can't wait. Maybe will get some positive confirmation on the baby's gender. We still don't have a name picked out if it's a boy.

I keep feeling like I'm running out of time. Fast.

G'night!

Current Mood: anxious

You want me to do WHAT with the HUH??? Oh CRAP!!!

My day began with the usual getting out of bed (or trying relatively hard to put it off as long as possible), checking my glucose levels, drinking my lousy breakfast shake, etc...

My day really began when I called the diabetes counsellor about the fact that I'm nearly out of test strips for my glucometer. In the process, I mentioned the fact that my fasting numbers - the numbers resulting from the test I do just after I get up in the morning and before I eat anything that day - have been higher than they ought to be, and I was a little concerned. As a "side note" I mentioned it, hoping she had some magical little thing I could do to make it all better. You know - something ELSE I could deprive myself of until this baby is born.

She DID. Insulin.

DAMNIT!!!

As she asked when my next OB-GYN appointment was, I remembered suddenly that it was TODAY - an hour away from the time I was talking to her, which meant I needed to get my ass in gear if I was going to get dressed in a manner where I could be seen by human population other than those who took marital vows or were forcibly squeezed out of my crotch. She told me to call her back when I'd heard what the doctor had to say.

In the doctor's office, an hour later, they said YES - Insulin.

DAMNIT!!!

The next thing I know, things are being faxed left and right and I'm on the phone making an appointment to see the diabetic counsellor. Since she had slots open this afternoon, we stopped briefly for a quick lunch after leaving the doctor's office with a fistfull of prescriptions, and then headed to see the counsellor next. Hell, we got to HER office before all the faxed stuff SHE needed had even arrived yet!

Then - oh goody - Insulin training.

Have I ever mentioned my fear of needles? That the fact that they needed to give me an I.V. before the epidural was actually the most traumatic part of childbirth last time? That I nearly hyperventilate and give myself a freaking HEART ATTACK when the very IDEA of my having a shot or I.V. comes into play?

It WAS amusing to note that they had to take my blood pressure twice at the doctor's office. The first time they tried, it was right after they'd confirmed I'd need insulin, and the number SHOT UP as a result! The second time, it was back to normal again. My blood pressure is usually my one really constant stat - it's ALWAYS normal. Unless someone stresses me out first. Yah.

I am NOT over-exaggerating here. I swear. I am REALLY. FUCKING. SCARED. OF. NEEDLES. I close my eyes when they take blood and try really hard to distract myself. I even squint my eyes shut and wince when stabbing my finger with the teeny little lancet for the glucose tests. Having an I.V. in one arm means that whole arm is OFF LIMITS - DON'T FUCKING TOUCH IT BECAUSE IT'S FRAGILE NOW AND YOU MIGHT SHIFT THE THING IN THERE!!! territory. Nevermind how many shots I've "opted out" of just to avoid them coming anywhere NEAR me with a needle. I'd rather get the flu, damnit.

I don't care if the little fucker I'm supposed to stick in me is barely more than a centimeter long and about as thin as they come. You want me to do WHAT to MYSELF with THAT???

How far a person will bring themselves to go, however, when a child is involved...

After many, many, MANY tears were shed (and snot-filled kleenexes thrown away), and a long, arduous amount of time spent by the counsellor trying to convince me that I actually COULD bring myself to stab that crappy little piece of metal into some of my "fatty tissue" and inject the contents of the syringe into my body...

I DID do it.

But it took a while. A LONG while.

And that wasn't even insulin. It was just a saline solution for me to learn with.

I have, however, already injected myself with two small doses of insulin since.

How far we will go, when a child's well-being is involved? Wherever we damned well HAVE to. *sigh*

I don't know whether to be proud of myself for being able to do it, or shattered at the fact that I HAVE NO CHOICE.

At least they were nice enough at the doctor's office to say that this was no fault of my own. That this was something out of my control that needed treating. That I wasn't FUCKING UP MY OWN UNBORN CHILD!!! Because that's how I think, you see. That's the first thing that ran through my mind. What did *I* do wrong this time? I've had years and years of training in my youth, on where the "blame" is supposed to be. Having the nurses point out that it WASN'T my fault was atually far more necessary than they know. It means I'll beat myself up a whole lot less than I would have otherwise.

And, to think... I thought the worst part of today was going to involve starting to sort out the crap being stored in the baby's bedroom so that we can start remodelling it. We didn't even have time today to start work on THAT. Bah!

So, um... yep. That was my day. Oh, there was the trip to the pharmacy for the stuff and then dinner out (I think Brian said yes to that almost as a consolation prize for my surviving, although I don't know WHAT I would have done if he hadn't been home today to get me through this). But those are hardly worth mentioning.

What an utter change today. Tomorrow had better be good. Tomorrow is our planned-out day of holiday rest (mostly). We've got specific stuff planned for most of the afternoon and evening that don't involve any stress whatsoever. And I sure as hell need it. I was NOT prepped for THIS little shift in the pregnancy routine at ALL. Not remotely.

I love you, little kickadee inside me. If you know nothing else about your mommy (except perhaps the loud noises my intestines seem to make), know that. Today demonstrates some of the lengths I will go through to ensure you have the best chance of being born healthy. I already want the best for you.

That's all for today folks. I still have a really late post to do over at Quick Shtick Writing yet.

G'night!

Current Mood: shocked

Thus ends the "Comfort Food" stage...

Today is not a good day. Today is the last day. The last day I will get to eat the diet I've had for the last few months. The last day I get to have breakfast (I'll now be having a Glucerna shake instead, since that's all I could get away with last time). The last day I will allow myself peanut butter and jelly for lunch, since I haven't been to the store yet to supply myself with the other food (salad, salad, more goddamned salad, with meat and other crap added into it to balance it properly) I will need to be eating instead. The last day I will indulge in any chocolate or other sweet that is not part of a holiday celebration. Even today, I will only allow myself a little bit. Because, honestly, I need the "comfort" part of the "comfort food". But today is the last day until sometime in March, when the baby is born, that I can get away with any of that (tonight I'll have to make Brian hide the chocolate I bought only yesterday). Because today, they told me the results of my glucose test. I am now, officially "diabetic" until the baby is born.

Damnit!!! I knew it was probably going to happen, but there was a little, teeny part inside of me that had been hoping I could get away without having gestational diabetes this time around. After all, this pregnancy hasn't exactly been going easy on me to begin with. So I suppose I shouldn't have bothered letting that little spark of hope entertain itself all this time. But, everyone around me kept reminding me how it wasn't guaranteed to be the case...

*cries*

I know it's not the end of the world. I did fine last time. But, I was never so relieved when my son was born perfectly healthy and I could stop jabbing the hell out of my poor sore fingertips several times a day. My glucometer broke about a week before I gave birth, but they didn't bother replacing it as I had the diet well enough under control that my numbers were regular. I didn't need any insulin (thank goodness!) either. And, hey! I even left the hospital weighing less than I did at that first pregnancy weigh-in, so I lost some of my own weight in the process too.

But it still sucks. I LIKE food. I like the taste of it in my mouth. And it seems like most of the problem with the diet for this is that they take anything that tastes good and put it in the "don't touch!" category. Then there's the "eat a gazillion times per day" part too. I just don't have time for that. I thought my schedule was busy to begin with - now I'll have to stop every X hours and have a "snack". Only one of those snacks per day will likely be something that tastes good to me. Last time they let me have apples with a little peanut butter on the slices. I at least like that snack.

I guess I'll need to get out that little scale again, and start measuring out how many of certain things I'm allowed to have. I have an appointment the same day my classes end for this semester. It sucks that I'll probably cry on the same day that I get the victory of having finished the first class, but they told me that the first appointment will likely take 2 - 3 hours and I can't afford to pay for a babysitter to watch Jareth while I go let someone make me cry and feel fat again. Not now that all the extra cash will likely need to go to fund my stupid diet plan. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were cheap. The "mega-salad supreme lunch plan" is not.

Excuse me while I go crawl into a corner and feel like I've failed again...

Oh, and it figures - Happy two year anniversary of blogging to me. *sigh*

G'night.

Current Mood: depressed