DragonBlog

Banging MY Drum!

I did not own a drum.

This normally would not have been an issue for most people. But, since I occasionally go to drum circles, it posed something of a small, personal frustration to me. As I sat, banging one of many borrowed drums or percussion instruments, some of which I'd even swipe from my kid.

Yes, my son had a drum before I did. Why? Because I bought him one. Brian had a couple, one of which I bought him too, mind you...

But I'd never got around to justifying the money to buy myself a drum. Until now. I guess I was waiting for the chance to do it right.

So, last Saturday, we went to a drum-making class. Hosted by a very wonderful couple (thanks Jack & Judy!) at a dreamy little spot in Illinois called Small Waters. I'm totally jealous of their place. I want them to adopt me so I can live there. They have put so much work into making it beautiful and it shows...

The class was taught by this great guy, Michael Suess. I say he's great as he's somehow able to teach and remain totally unphased when people like me come along and ask "why can't I do it THIS way instead???" despite the fact that he's been doing this for a while and probably has a clue of how it's supposed to be done by now. Yep. He steered me clear of trouble.

And thus, I am now the proud owner of my very own buffalo hide octagonal drum. That I made myself. Okay, Michael made the frame, and all that, but I put it together. And tonight, I painted it too.

And I love it. *Purrrrzz*

Yes, dragons can purr when they're happy. Especially ones who keep cats. Nyah.

Pictures can be found here. Brian's drum is the big round one.

Enjoy!

Current Mood: accomplished

The Shortest Day...

Today, the shortest day of the year, began like any other. The children determined when we rose from bed, Kayla beginning the call with the unhappy sign that generally indicates she's been busy digesting foodstuffs into a nice little steaming mess in her diapers for me to tend to before her breakfast. Then Jareth was awake too, hungry and ready to start the day. Before long we were all fed and ready to dive into whatever list I had made of things that we needed or wanted to get done...

Groceries. Had I known, I would have done them earlier in the week. As far as I could tell, half the known world had taken today off to get their shopping done. And half of those people needed to get groceries too. At my store. There were more registers open than I'd ever seen and they were still backed up well into the aisles... Nevermind the mess just trying to get to the products in the first place. It had been meant to be a quick trip to get some supplies for the weekend family festivities, since I'm doing desserts for one and appetizers for another. I had a slightly murderous glint in my eye by the time I left the store. And I wanted to find the idiot that decided the store only needed SIX of the kid-friendly carts (that have a bench for the older kid(s) to sit on to make room for the little ones in the cart seat too) in the WHOLE store and wad them into a ball and stuff them into that space beneath the kid seat on the cart, since that's where half my groceries needed to be in order to stick the car seat back there and Jareth in the kid seat...

Murderous glint, I tell ya. Rawr...

But, happily, I shook it off once I was safely home again. Maybe it was something about the day itself. Maybe it was just that it was a cold, dreary kind of day but Kayla was getting such a kick out of watching the raindrops on the back window of my car as we drove home. I knew that the "celebration" part of Solstice wouldn't really start until Brian got home anyway, so it was all good...

According to weather.com sunset was at 4:24 pm today. You really couldn't tell, what with the rain. At 7:19 am, the sun will rise again. We plan to see it through tonight, this longest night of the year. We've been drumming some. Some cool music is currently playing in the background. Candles are lit about the room. Brian's dad came by around 7:30 pm or so and guided us in making a stone circle. Each stone is nestled together in harmony around a single light. Each stone was chosen and placed by one of us (Jareth picked and placed several) and has it's own meaning. Other items joined the circle as well, nestled in the sand, watching and communing with the stones. So simple, yet so complex in it's meaning, the circle now sits serene in our living room, a representation of our family and this night. Both the circle and the building of it have been a wonderful addition to our night...

The kids will not be staying up all night. While we did let Jareth stay up quite a bit past bedtime, I know that he's not old enough to handle it and still be heading out for breakfast (since we've decided to go out for it) at the sunrise. And it would not be good to mess with Kayla's routine, although she did got to sleep a bit later than usual too, probably since things were a bit different tonight than most evenings. But they are both tucked away now, in dreamland. Now it's just Brian and I. Two adults holding vigil through the night, awaiting the sunrise. We may not be dancing around a bonfire and singing as they might of done in ancient times, begging the gods to spare them from eternal darkness, but we are each regarding this long night in our own way...

Happy Solstice!

Current Mood: thoughtful

The Longest Night...

The night that passes between the 21st and 22nd of this month (Thursday and Friday) will be the longest one this year. Brian has talked about it on his blog already. The 21st, during the day, will be the shortest day of the year, and the 22nd will mark the beginning of the days growing longer as we make our way towards the Summer Solstice (which, I believe, is when it shifts back again).

Finally, for this Winter Solstice, we are starting to come up with some "traditions" we want to observe. For one thing, it seems fitting that for the longest night of the year, we see it out, much the same way people stay up until midnight to see in the "new year" on December 31st/January 1st. The idea is to spend the night embracing the shift, reminiscing on the past year, and looking forward to the next. We will celebrate the passing of the long nights, and also the beginning of the lengthening days. There will be "feasting" (nice breakfast of some sort) when the sun rises, and gifts - both gifts given to each other here and donations of clothes and a toy (courtesy of Jareth) to be given out to others at some point during the new day.

All of the details aren't planned out yet. I'd love to fast on the 21st, until the morning feast on the 22nd, but while breastfeeding that's probably not the best idea, so we'll wait on trying that some year. There's the thought of doing some sort of craft with Jareth - I have a great book that my sister-in-law gave me that has some ideas for that. There's drumming that will likely happen, and Brian's dad is possibly going to stop over and the two of them will sit down and make Brian a Louie circle (the web site he's got is still a work in progress, but it's starting!) together. We'll talk about what we remember of our year - the good and the bad - and compare our goals, ambitions, and desires for the next.

Well, that's the idea anyway. We'll see how it actually turns out.

More later. I keep getting interrupted today and this post has been written in bits over the course of the whole darn day.

Current Mood: busy

Memories of Touch...

Every once in a while, I go through this stage. I'm experiencing it again right now. It's as if my sensation of touch is more vivid to me than my other senses.

The heat of the water in the shower right now, for example is glorious. The odd sensation of sweat on my scalp when I get too hot, and the cool soothing of the wind as it ripples through my hair. The warmth of the sun on my skin as I'm driving, and it's contrast with the air that ruffles those tiny hairs on my arm. The difference between the slightly oily skin on my baby's scalp, and the soft fuzziness of the skin on her arms and legs. The feel of my son's arms around my shoulders or neck when we hug. The fascinating roughness of my husband's beard. The difference between the cool linoleum of the bathroom floor and the warm, raggedness of the carpeting. The luxury of flannel sheets when I slip into them while the windows are open to let in the night air...

Sometimes sound seems to be this loud, muffled thing around me. Sight can pass before my eyes unnoticed. Taste is savored for a moment, indulged in part because of the change back from the diabetes, but then quickly forgotten. And my sense of smell is still diminished from my head injury about four years ago, so that's rarely a remarkable sense to begin with.

But touch. Touch is so sharply apparent to me right now...

Perhaps it is because I am so tired, a symptom of my stress and exhaustion. Or, perhaps I am just in tune with my infant daughter, for whom touch is so very important right now. Was I like this when my son was first born? I can't remember. Other things come back, however, things I'd forgotten. The way an infant looks at the world, her mouth a little "o" and her eyes wide as she sees it all. The way she tries to hold her head up to see and yet it gets away from her, swaying down to one side or other with gravity when she's laying on her tummy. The way she tucks her little knees up, butt in the air, while she's lying on my chest. How red her little face can get when she's unhappy. How much her little smiles light me up inside, even when I know it's just from her having gas. She can be just like Jareth was when he was this little. But then she is her own tiny, individual self too. It's so amazing to behold.

Sometimes I am just an observer in this life. Sometimes I just sit back and let the experience of it all wash over me. For a moment, I'm connected again. Then I snap back into it, to actively participate and interact with the world around me.

G'night...

Current Mood: contemplative

The Little Drummer Boy...

Sunday night we had the opportunity to attend a combined drum circle and Solstice gathering, courtesy of my father-in-law. He'd found out about the place while at an alternative energy convention he goes to, and had gotten on a mailing list. He'd sort of suggested that they had the right kind of place to do drum circles in and they decided to give it a try. They also decided that the one this past Sunday would include something to honor this year's Winter Solstice.

I was nervous about going. It's not easy for me to just jump in and get into the drumming when surrounded by people I've only just met. I also didn't know what kind of plans they had for Winter Solstice. My own views never mesh entirely with those of... well anyone else, to be honest. Even Brian and I have agreed to disagree on a few points. I draw a lot from here and there and I try to respect other people's right to their own views and paths, but when celebrations are involved people expect you to participate too. If you aren't comfortable with what they've chosen to do, you either need to abstain and risk ridicule or jump in with the sheeple and do what the others do regardless of which way they are being herded. Sunday, fortunately, was very low-key in that regard. There was a large piece of paper and a large piece of cloth. The paper was for writing something you wanted to "let go" of or purge as this year draws to a close. The cloth was for writing something you wanted to "bring forth" or achieve in the next year. Once everyone had contributed their bit to each, the paper was used to start the fire (in which the yule log was later burned too) and the cloth was cut into flags and strung up across the room.

There was also a "smudging" ritual, where one of the men lit a bunch of herbs (I think he said it was sage) and "invited" spirits and the like from each direction to join our circle. It was interesting. Not something I would generally require, but interesting nonetheless. It seemed more Native American leaning in background overall, although not overly specific. He also offered people the chance to be personally "smudged" as well, asking for spirits to protect and guide them and helping cleanse them of things like negativity. While Brian went up there (I knew he would, as he's more into the idea of rituals and the like than I am), I felt no real need to do so and remained seated. I had an odd idea in my head that I would have liked to have had the unborn baby "smudged" but didn't require it for myself. Since there was no way to seperate the two, I abstained.

The drumming was especially fun, despite the fact that I seemed to take charge of Jareth for most of the evening and didn't do as much of it as I might normally have liked. There was only a couple of songs I drummed (or some other percussion instrument) from start to finish with, but I still found myself feeling more and more comfortable with the new people around me as the night drew on. I liked it best when we were drumming with the lights off at one point, with mostly candles, the fire, and a small section of decorative lights on some window garland being what lit the room. The brighter lights, which were on for most of the evening tended to make me a little more inhibited. They generally do.

One of the cutest moments of the evening for me was courtesy of Jareth (of course!). He has this tendency to say "Ready?...Set?... GO!!!" for certain things, and suddenly said it to one of the women at the gathering. On "GO!!!" she started drumming for a short bit. Excited at the thought that he had made it happen, he tried again. That time, another person joined in as well. He kept saying it "Ready?...Set?... GO!!!" Until most of the people in the room were drumming on his command! You could see that gleeful look in his eyes as our two-and-a-half-year-old controlled a roomful of people drumming. He laughed and laughed. There was also another moment when they did a meditation exercise too, during which Jareth followed the man speaking as he paced around the room, leading us through the meditation. The man would stop in one place for a while and face the gathered circle of people, and Jareth would stop and stand right next to him, going between watching for what he would do next and looking at the people, as the man was doing. Every once in a while he would bolt away, over to me, and collect a cherry tomato from a plate I had of food for him. Then he'd jog back over into place again and return to mimicking the man.

I found it amazing, actually, how quickly Jareth warmed up to the new faces and location after we arrived. Usually he sticks near myself or Brian for a while and often wants to be in our arms when in a new place. At this place it was really only a couple of minutes before he was exploring and talking to people. It gave me a really good feeling right off at the beginning to see my son so easily accept it all. Sometimes I go off his judgement when it comes to new people - there's just some people he doesn't want anything to do with, and others he will smile right off for. While I'm ever the wary mommy, I think children can have an instinct about such things and I don't want to ignore it. While he is good at winning others over, it takes certain types of people to win him over. Most, if not all, of the people we met at the gathering seemed to fall into that category.

It sounds as if my father-in-law had a good time as well. I think we're all looking forward to going to another drum circle with those people in the future. We'll have to see how the schedules work out.

Tomorrow, RainMoon has invited us to a small Solstice gathering at her Unitarian Universalist Church. After some discussion, Brian and I have decided to check it out. Seems only appropriate that we do something with other people on the actual day of Solstice too. It will be a little more kid-oriented, from the sound of it.

I'll hopefully find time to post something tomorrow. If not, however, have a Happy Solstice everyone!

G'night!

Current Mood: contemplative

Holidays 'Round Here (My Version)

Brian posted tonight, on his blog, about how he views the holidays. As he mentions, part of this comes from a discussion I've been having in e-mail with my father-in-law, relating to the upcoming holidays, what we celebrate, and how we celebrate. Surprising as it may be to some, Brian and I don't see entirely eye-to-eye on everything. We disagree on some points, but our different views are still harmonious enough that they don't cause problems. In fact, they tend to yeild some rather interesting topics of conversation around here. Since we love to sit and discuss stuff around here, this is actually a good thing rather than a point of contention.

Anyway, if Brian is going to post his end of the discussion as a blog post, then far be it for me not to do some of the same. Here's some of what I had started writing up for the pagan parents website I started up a while back and haven't had time to fully flush out into proper, fully-working functionality yet. We were planning on a "he said, she said" section to add into the area set aside for pagan holiday information, and following is some of what I had started writing up for that, along with some stuff swiped out of the recent e-mail conversation. Keep in mind that a lot of this is me getting my notes down rather than fully flushed-out, set-in-stone, holiday plans:

First off, while Brian separates the year into fourths and sees patterns, I see there as being "markers" along the journey through life, and within each year that passes along that journey. Each of the passing seasons is an easy marking point. As are birthdays and anniversaries of important dates, like marriage.

Spring Equinox:
Spring – growth & fertility, giving onto the earth

Possible activity – each family member should choose something (seed or seedling) to plant somewhere in the yard. Note: They should also take responsibility for caring for that plant until it matures.

Summer Solstice:
Summer – joy & family, receiving the warmth of the sun

Possible activity – Summer celebration. Take time out to picnic and play with the family. Enjoy the sun and warm weather and the company of those whom you care for.

Fall Equinox:
Fall – the harvest / receiving of the earth, gratitude

Possible activity – Another family togetherness time as we respectfully receive the bounty that we and the earth have worked together to provide. Recognize “oneness” with nature in some way (possibly a long walk to notice the changing of the leaves as the earth transforms itself for winter – possibly also readying the garden for winter) and then feast upon the harvest’s yield.

Winter Solstice:
Winter – cleansing & sharing, giving to the community, family togetherness

Possible activity – take part of the day to go through some of your old items that you no longer need. Donate them to others who need them more in the cold, cleansing months until Spring comes again. Remember your fellow spirits as they go through their own life journies. Perhaps also give some of your time at a soup kitchen or other similar volunteer work. Huddle together in the warmth of friends and family as the cold winter settles in around you.

Other notes on the "holiday matter":

First of all, for the winter holiday season, when giving onto others is a part of the idea, I'll allow those relatives who wish to to give Jareth something, to give him a single Solstice gift if they choose (or "Holiday gift" if they are more comfortable thinking of it that way). There will be no "Christmas gifts" specifically, however, as we don't celebrate "Christmas". In the same way you wouldn't hand a Jewish friend a "Christmas gift", but would call it a "Holiday gift" at the very least, I'd expect the same consideration to be used here. We don't do gifts from "Santa" either. No mystical bearded man in a red suit is going to make his way into my house on the 24th of December. If one does, it's a matter for the police to handle. At some point, however, I do want to tell Jareth some of the stories from which Santa has arisen. There is a lot of good there, once you make it past the Hallmark and Toy Store marketing scheme to push parents into buying more and more for their kids. The original stories that "Santa" came from are about selfless giving and compassion for children. While I respect those stories, that's not what the Santa of today has become. The same goes for the guy in the giant bunny suit 'round easter time. Egg hunts are all fun and good. Bunnies and eggs both represent fertility so I don't have a big issue with them as symbols for the season. But GIANT BUNNIES who bring baskets of toys, eggs, and candy and hide them in one's home? If one tries, I'll be waiting with the baseball bat. Okay? Good. No cookies and milk for THAT one either. Breaking and entering does not get rewarded. No wonder kids have nightmares these days. If Santa can get in so easily, what's to stop the normal monsters???

Any of the relatives who do choose to get something for Jareth this year will be asked to limit gifts to just one. One thoughtful gift that they feel will give him joy or that he will learn from (and hopefully won't drive either or both of his parents nuts in the process). One carefully-chosen gift will reflect their thoughtfulness just as well, if not better, than two or three. And it won't overwhelm him like last year when we were still trying to fit into what we felt were others' expectations and celebrated Christmas. There was a wonderful outpouring of generosity for Jareth, but the poor little guy was so overwhelmed that he didn't even see most of the gifts he was given until a couple days later when we had some downtime again. Part of that was his age, but part of it was also the sheer volume of gifts he received over a two-day time period. I love them all dearly for the sentiment, but sometimes family can be generous to a fault!

Other Holidays:

Birthdays are the main gift-giving event around here now. Birthdays celebrate another year in the passage of our own personal journey and should be a time of both personal celebration and reflection. Gifts are received as both markers of the previous year's passage and wishes for the next year. It's the one day of year where you should be able to pat yourself on the back for all the things you've either accomplished or survived over the past year without anyone bugging you about it. Eat the damn cake - you earned it! *grin*

We're kind of doing away with the other gift-giving holidays. We may still celebrate Valentine's Day, for example, but I think that it's more important that we celebrate it by setting aside some "us time" rather than buying each other "stuff". Our plan to celebrate our Anniversary by going somewhere together each year is along those lines too. Our anniversary is a marker that signals another year in our journey together as husband and wife. Similar to a birthday, he and I should be spending it together, reflecting on the past year together and our goals for the following year. And again, in the end, the memories we make are much more meaningful and rewarding than any physical gifts we could buy each other.

There are also, of course, national holidays. Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, and others. These we still celebrate. In fact, we're deciding to continue the recent tradition of hosting Thanksgiving at our house, simply because it's one of the holidays we still have in common with the rest of our families. At least until we move out of state, that is. Then, we'll likely still cook up a storm for any of our family willing to make the trip out to visit us.

There's probably more. Lots to still hash out on how we want to explain it all to Jareth as he gets older and has questions. Lots to decide on more specific traditions we want to build to better celebrate our holidays. But that's a start. At the risk of rambling on further, I'll stop here for tonight. I'm sure this topic will get brought up again. Possibly before the winter holiday season is officially upon us again.

G'night!

Current Mood: thoughtful

Being the Black Sheep...

First off, let me wish my darling husband a Happy Father's Day! Of course it's technically over with by now, but I didn't blog until after it all happened. He knows already anyway. He got gifts. *grin* One of which was a "card" that required two sessions to complete - one of teaching Jareth to paint with watercolors and brushes, and another where he learned to dip his fingers in fingerpaint and smear it all over the "front" of the card. Of course it turns out the inside is "upside down" but hey... the effort was there. It was tricky enough getting a kid who doesn't like his hands dirty to even touch the fingerpaints! Brian said he cried something fierce when they made my Mother's Day card back in May. We had better success this time around at least. I'll get him making mud pies eventually!

Moving to a different topic however, it is becoming very clear to me that some people around me have not entirely grasped the nature of the spiritual views within this household. The mere mention of the word "paganism," for example, sends some people running for safe corners to shield their ears from having to hear and possibly accept the fact that we are not following within the religious mainstream.

And I am not amused. And my patience is slowly wearing thin.

Our views are not entirely the same, and mine do not entirely fit within the "pagan" classification all the time. There is a heavy lean of pagan to my views but they also somewhat lean in the "new age" classification as well.

All that aside, Brian and I have been hashing over the way we want to handle certain holidays and the gift-giving that goes with them. We've technically made a few decisions, we just haven't really sat down and explained to anyone what we've decided. It keeps getting put off. Mostly because we know that parts of it may not be taken well.

Probably. Probably won't be taken well. *sigh*

Thus we keep dancing around the subject every time it comes up. A few times now I've had people go directly against something I've already tried to explain wasn't going to happen. I fear there could be a point when it gets ugly. I don't want it to get ugly. I want to just have everyone nod and say we have a right to believe whatever we want to believe (because actually we DO have that right here in America - seeing as that's one of the reasons that brought settlers here when "the colonies" were first starting out) and be respectful of our ways.

I need to figure out how to either a) get Brian to start telling his family what our beliefs are going to mean when it comes to holidays that they want us to participate in, or b) tell them myself and hope they will actually listen. Mine won't listen. I'm not sure my sister really understands, she just sort of nods and moves on to the next topic but at least I know she's not against my having my own beliefs. My uncle seems to think I'm still a child sometimes and that I don't know anything about anything yet, so I'm not to be taken seriously. But if I tell them how we want to handle gifts and such I think they'll just say "oh... uh... okay" and shrug and move on. It's not so simple with all of Brian's family.

But we've got to get it all figured out. How can I be webmistress and co-conspirator in getting the Pagan Parents web site under way and not be able to explain to the family that we are, in fact, celebrating pagan holidays now.

Which brings me to remind everyone that summer solstice is on Tuesday. That's something we'll be celebrating. Each year we'll probably work at figuring it out until we have an understandable, proper holiday out of it. I tried to mention it tonight when we had some of Brian's family over to dinner. Oh well. I guess we'll celebrate on our own on Tuesday and gather with friends to picnic and chat about it on Wednesday when the full moon comes out to play.

In other news, I just got these nifty new icons from Catharsis, one of the web comics I try to keep up with in the little bit of spare time I have (also known as the wee hours of the night when I should be sleeping but can't seem to anyway). So I'm going to start doing the "current mood" thing that some people do on other weblogs. I don't have a proper plug-in for Movable Type yet, so I've set up some "notes" in my Opera web browser to handle some of the source code to point to them for the moment. It ought to add a little dragon fun to my DragonBlog at the bottom of each post.

G'night!

Current Mood: discontent

Getting my groove on...

So, tonight I went with Brian to the pagan meetup thing he goes to once per month. Not the drum thing he does - that's his "him thing", but he said it would be okay if I came to tonight's regular meetup with him. At the end of the evening he said it was okay if I wanted to keep going to it too! It didn't seem to change the dynamic too dramatically. It was a little trickier taking turns keeping Jareth occupied, but at a couple of points we had some of the other members of the group joining in with that task. Jareth was making friends (Brian likes to call it "flirting" since Jareth tends to attract the girls) again. But really my little guy was a complete angel considering we didn't leave until an hour past his usual bedtime. he spent three hours cooped up in his booster seat or one of our laps and was actually really, really good!

Mind you, we left the place (a Panera Bread) at around 10:15 pm. As we got in the car, Brian told me the place was supposed to close at 9 pm! I thought I liked that place before (mmmm.... soup in a bread bowl!!!), but I was especially impressed by them not kicking us out! I also have to say I loved the I.C. Caramel drink they have. I had TWO! Nevermind about that diet I'm supposedly on... Yesterday and today didn't count anyway... right?

*wicked grin*

I was both excited and nervous to go tonight. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want to wreck the whole feel of it for Brian by being there. He has a tendency to be quiet in a lot of social situations where we are both there, while I tend to jump in and try to be social (sometimes even to a fault, I'll admit). Fortunately he had already been to these before and knew some of the people well enough that he felt comfortable talking. There is also a person in the group who seems to have taken charge of setting up some icebreaker topics to open up conversation. Tonight's went particularly well from what I could tell.

I have to say that while I tend to look at the world and keep quiet on spirituality in the day-to-day scope of things, I found it refreshing to be in an environment where talking about my spiritual beliefs was not only acceptable, but encouraged. Being around people who either have similar views on some things as you do, or are open-minded enough to accept and listen to your take on things is such a nice change! There aren't many people overall that understand that I don't fit into the mold of one of the standard religions of the majority. Even family members are having a hard time accepting some of the changes Brian and I have been trying to incorporate into both our holidays and everyday lives.

I am still pumped up from the meeting. Feeling particularly alive, as I often do when I find myself really talking about my beliefs in earnest. I don't touch on it here as often as I once planned on doing, but who knows - maybe that will change a little as I find myself having discussions with these new people more often.

For right now, however, I need to slide back down off my spiritual high and back into my current existence so that I stand a chance of being able to sleep tonight! So I'm off to finish off today with a little bit of computer game before bed.

G'night!

Counting down until another birthday...

Tomorrow is my birthday. On April 12th, 1972 at 10:54 pm, I came into this world in the usual manner - kicking and screaming. It rained. And so, it Rayned.

It seems that each year I look at this date in a different way. This year, damnit, I'm celebrating it. It's another year of my journey gone past and the beginning of the next. It marks my timeline in this linear life. It's a unit of measurement and a chance to celebrate my own personal little adventure here in this existence.

Thus, I spent today running errands and getting things reasonably ship-shape so that I won't have to do the usual chores tomorrow. I've got groceries stocked, lunches pre-made, and the dinner menu for the rest of the week mostly squared away. I even bought stuff for Brian to cook for me on Wednesday morning when he stays home. He couldn't get tomorrow off, but he was able to get Wednesday so he and I will still be celebrating then too. If I go out at all tomorrow, it will be to rent movies for myself or out to dinner when Brian gets home from work tomorrow night. I'm keeping flexible on all of it.

Sunday, we did the "family thing" which means that we had dinner and cake (this uber-yummy Kaluha cake!) at Brian's folks with my uncle in attendance. My sister couldn't make it due to her work schedule, but I knew that way in advance. My sister-in-law was expecting to be arriving late, but it turned out that she got there not long after we did. It seemed like a good time was had by all. I know I did anyway. *grin* Jareth certainly seemed to. He and Brian explored the yard there for a while...

Yeah, I know... his hair looks like it needs a trim. It's okay though, we did that today too. I haven't taken a picture today, but I wouldn't be surprised if you see another soon. It seems to be picture week for me right now. I don't know why, but I go through stages with the camera where I'll get all shutterbug on everyone for a while and then let the camera collect dust for a couple weeks in between. Hopefully all these pictures I keep putting up won't gobble all the extra space my web server (cleverdot) recently gave me when they upgraded their servers. I thought that was really cool. One week I get an e-mail saying I'm running low on space and then next I get an e-mail saying they've doubled my space. Heehee... *wicked grin* More picture room for me!

Well, that's all for now. I've got to go back to not eating the Godiva Belgian Dark Chocolate ice cream I bought myself for tomorrow. I loooooove that stuff. But, for the next two days - the diet is temporarily null and void. I will eat yummy things! Yay!

*runs off singing "Happy Birthday to meeeeeeee!"*

G'night!

P.S. - did I mention that Jareth helped me blow out my candle? Twice! We relit it so he could show everyone again. He learned that trick while trying to blow on the candles here and make them "dance". He should have no problem blowing his out on his birthday next month. He also learned to say "buh-bye" yesterday too! We went for brunch and he first said it as we were leaving the restaurant. Later, when we were leaving Brian's folks house, he started saying it back to everyone who said it to him. In fact, he said it repeatedly all the way home. Driving alone in our car with this little voice in the darkness of the back seat...

"Buh-bye!"
"Buh-bye!"
"Buh-bye!"

My god he is just too cute sometimes! My heart swells so much I think it will burst!

"Buh-bye!"

In the Mist and Rayn...

This morning the fog rolled over the neighborhood in waves, some times thicker than others. There's a street that runs almost directly away from us, out from our driveway. It's a short street, but sometimes I couldn't see even halfway down it, much less to the end. On a clear day, I can watch the people at the end of the road, where the street comes to a "T", as they move to and fro about their houses and yards. Today the fog seemed to hold the mystery of the unknown. Even though our schedule was running a bit later for errands than I had hoped, I still needed to spread my wings and get out into it.

By the time we left, little of the fog remained. Most that was hung low to the ground in wisps. The fog had given way to occasional misting instead, and the air was warm for a winter month. I barely needed a coat.

I felt light on my feet today as I moved from errand to errand. The tires on my car seemed to glide across the road and I flew. When we arrived home to empty the car of groceries, I didn't want to stop. I was not done flying for today.

When Brian arrived home I had gotten most of the groceries put away.

"There's something about today," I told him. "I want to drive. Wanna go out for dinner?"

So, for $18 in food and some of my fresh tank of gas, I got to fly some more. Through the rain I moved, in harmony with the rain and traffic around me. This time I had both of them with me - my son and my husband. The last piece needed to make it complete was in place. Together, we soared through the night and the rain, and the worries of the world shifted into the background for a while.

Sometimes, in the rain, I find my Rayn.

Goodnight.

Natural Connections...

Yesterday there wasn't so much time to blog, so I kept it simpler and didn't mention the phenomenal thing that occurred. Today, I don't have much time either, but I don't want to leave it. I wouldn't want to forget to include it in this little "diary" of mine.

As we drove home from picking up Jareth at my in-laws' house after his New Year's overnight, there was a point where ahead of us where a car had its blinkers on and was stopped in the oncoming lane. It was a reasonably heavily trafficked road with one lane going each way. On one side is homes - high-priced jobbers in what used to be a nicely forested area, so there are still lots of trees. On other parts of the road there is still some forest preserve left as well. Across the street from those houses, however, is a small horse "farm" where people can take riding lessons I guess, and a bunch of houses and small subdivisions.

It was what was crossing the road at the time that caught our attention. We slowed, but he had already crossed by the time we arrived at that part of the road. The car that had stopped was pulling off the road (hopefully so they could just watch or see that he didn't get hit by passing cars), as other cars slowed as they passed him by.

My heart raced and my breath caught in my throat as I, for just a moment, felt him - the proud, unafraid stag that stood calmly at one side of the road.

We thought about stopping, pulling over to gape at this beautiful creature still wild and natural. I couldn't though, I didn't want to take the risk of something bad happening. All manner of terrible possibilities ran through my head. If I'd had my camera with me at the time, I might have stopped and snapped a few quick pictures from a distance, but I didn't. So I moved on, happy to remember the stag as I had seen it. Hopeful that it would find a safe haven in which to hide from the "progress" of our civilization as it rapes its way across the countryside, leaving strip malls and subdivisions in its wake. Pleased to have had the chance to see a creature still wild - not broken and behind the bars of a zoo.

For just that one moment though, I connected. I knew, or perhaps remembered, what it was like to be such an animal. It was breathtaking.

And then, sadly, I returned to the moment and moved on.

But I won't forget.

Goodnight.

Localized Morality vs. Spiritual Morality

It is very odd sometimes to have to refer to myself as a separate entity from my "spiritual self". This was something I had to do repeatedly in a conversation with Brian on the way home from dinner tonight. I find that sometimes I am at odds with myself, as I have very solid feelings about positions within both entities. This discussion ended up on, as it frequently does, the topic of murder...

Now, I, meaning myself in this lifetime and not my spiritual self", am a pacifist. I think I can make an exception with the death penalty for certain violent and cruel crimes, but overall I can't stand the very idea of one person taking the life of another. It's wrong. It goes against my every moral fiber. The horror I felt over 9/11, as I watched the twin towers fall only served to help solidify that. I cannot understand how one person could knowingly take the life of another, except perhaps in self-defense. There is a part of me, perhaps just too niave and innocent, that can't comprehend how someone could do it. Yet it happens all the time.

And a part of me does understand, even if I don't want to admit it. A part of me inside lies dormant. That part of me knows that I would want to do physical harm on a large level if someone were to ever hurt my child or my husband. A part of me that is connected to those them would be unable to cope with the loss.

But, I'd have a really hard time coming up with any other circumstance where I would take the life of another human being away...

But then, the "spiritual me" steps forward to whisper in my ear, and remind me that "it's all part of the experience". Meaning the experience for the one who dies, the one who does the killing, and all the others who are affected by it - either directly or indirectly (such as my reaction when I hear about people commiting violent acts of murder). We are all connected, and we all need to have the experiences we are meant to have. For some, that might be what I consider a horrific experience, but it is what was meant to be...

And then, argh... sometimes it's really hard to resolve all of that together. It's like two people living inside one body sometimes. The one living the life, and the one who understands the greater scope of things.

Some people, especially those who do the Live Journal blogs, have a little icon and a "current mood" spot. I guess you could say that my current mood is "conflicted" as I try to hash out where exactly I really stand on such things. It's "all good" to take the "it's all good" approach on a spiritual level, but I just can't ignore the feelings I am here to have during this lifetime, and those tell me that it is not "all good".

In the end, I go with my gut feeling. And that means that some things, like the taking of another's life, are just plain wrong. It's what I'm meant to feel, so it's what I'm going with, barring any incident that might change that opinion along the way.

However, I do believe that we need harsher punishments for crimes in general. We need more cut-and-dry laws that don't have all the loopholes that let some criminals slide while innocent people end up behind bars. And we need to put our collective feet down when a criminal is convicted. Some days I think we need to step back to some of the harsher penalties of the past. Then again, I know I'd have a hard time carrying out those sentences myself, so asking someone else to would be hard.

There's so much that is so wrong with how it all works right now. Society, law, government, business, morality... it's all a mess at the moment. Short of a huge disaster to wipe the slate clean, so to speak, I don't know what will really fix it in the end. We are not so much an evolved people as we like to think we are.

Okay. I've rambled enough. Much more than I usually do on any given Sunday night.

G'night.

Rayn Rain Hands...

It is raining outside. A decent enough rain, although I have seen better. The thunder is doing a relatively veritable rumbling though, and the lightening is lighting the sky in abundance, although not leaving stark streaks across the sky - it's too high above the cloud cover for that to be seen.

And, at approximately 10:10 pm tonight - we went outside and played in it.

And now we have "rain hands", and "rain feet", "rain hair" and "rain skin".

Rain hands are wonderful. They've got this soft, yet almost leathery feel, for the rain seems to thicken the skin while leaving it drier than normal on the very outside after you've toweled them off. Rain feet feel the same. Rain skin, however, over the rest of the body, seems to hold the rain longer - keeping a slight moistness to it, possibly due to the fact that it often doesn't come in direct contact with the rain, but absorbs it more slowly through the fabric of those few items of clothing that make it allowable to go dancing in the rain in a suburban neighborhood. But rain skin loves the feel of rain hands on it.

Oh yes. It does.

Rain hair, on the other hand, seems to get this slightly thick feeling to it, but doesn't necessarily get softer. It's not as thick as, say, "Pool Hair". Pool hair is thick - but mostly because of the chlorine. Rain hair isn't much to write home about, but it's certainly not enough to dissuade rain hands. Rain hands tend to find some of the rain hair whilst exploring their way around rain skin. And rain hands love exploring rain skin.

Oh yes. They do.

And now, worn out from such dancing and explorations, I shall wind down and then head off to bed.

Rain skin loves the feel of sheets as well.

Oh yes. It does.

G'night!

The Saturday Review, Part 3...

The final bit on my little mini-review of the Milwaukee Public Museum (or what I saw there, anyway) is on the main exhibit we went there to see in the first place.

The Quest for Immortality, Treasures of Ancient Egypt, apparently presented by the Northwestern Mutual Foundation, if the little brochure I have here can be believed (and it likely can) was a wonderful array of exceptionally cool egyptian artifacts. Aside from my own silly irritations at the fact that the science fiction show "Stargate", and the movie "The Mummy", have skewed my imediate response to such names as Anubis and Osiris, I found the information presented on the plaques displayed by the pieces to be interesting. There were larger posters that helped segment the information into related sections that had some information, and an audio tour that added more if you dialed up a three-digit number for it. The artifacts themselves were phenomenal. I'm glad they had people throughout, watching all the "human cattle" milling their way through, as I found it difficult (though fortunately not impossible) to keep from reaching out to touch those items that were out in the open where we didn't have to peer through glass. As if touching the cool stone of the crown on Ramses II would somehow leak the information to me on who it was a statue of before someone re-carved it to be Ramses, assuming that the theory is a correct one.

Some things I didn't need to touch to know about though. There were a couple of items that screamed out to me that their accompanying information was wrong. There was one statue, for example, of a man and a woman with a smaller figure standing (about knee-high) between the two seated figures. The small figure was female and not porportioned as a child specifically. The audio tour identified her as an "adolescent girl", who I believe they said was the daughter of the other two figures. If I remember correctly, the other two figures wre a king and a woman who served as the royal wet nurse or something like that. The fact that they had their arms linked in the center was to symbolize something - like their vested interest in the future of their people, I don't remember exactly.

What I do remember, was feeling sure that they were wrong.

How the hell would I know? I'm not an archeologist. I've not studied egyptology on any serious level before. I'm certainly no expert on any of the burial rituals of people who lived 4,000 years ago!

But a part of me knew that the woman in the middle was a representation of something much larger than their adolescent daughter. There was one other piece, although I don't remember which one right now, that struck me the same way. I shook my head at what I saw on the plaque and heard on the tape.

I rarely feel so sure like that. I don't know, to be honest, how far I trust it. I've had one other instance where I felt positive I knew what I was talking about (although I never said a word at the time it came to my head!) as I sat in our childbirth class before Jareth was born. One of the women there was asking if she could tell the doctors not to induce childbirth if she went too far past her due date. Now a part of me agreed with the question, as I kind of have that feeling that a child will be born when it's ready to be - nature has a way of making things work. However, at the time that she said it, this invisible woman inside of me reached over and touched her on the shoulder and said:

"Don't worry, honey. When you get to that point you'll be begging the doctor to help get that kid pushed out. It won't be an issue."

Now I managed to not actually say anything, or reach out and touch her shoulder, but the whole thing played out in my head in this perfect clarity that I couldn't just disregard entirely. I was in that class because I was pregnant with my very first child. How the hell would I know what it was like to go that far past my due date?

I can only assume I experienced it before. And, perhaps, I can assume that I spent some time experiencing Egypt once. Perhaps during the time of that particular artifact.

I know, I know... it sounds all "new age-y". Don't worry, I'm not about to go running around my neighborhood trying to find "friends from my past lives" or anything, although I think it's pretty likely that people would be drawn to eachother again and again. The connection I feel to my husband and son is tremendous sometimes - I can't believe that this is the first time I've been around them specifically. I think my connection to them is closer than that of the rest of the individuals within our collective universe. There are moments when I'm completely blind, but then others when it's almost as if I can feel them sleeping in the rooms upstairs from my chair here. That touch is not one bound of physical body either - it's almost "astral" in nature.

But, anyway... back to the exhibit.

The main problem I had was the "shortness" of information. I kept having questions as the little tidbits of info would end. Many of which could have been easily answered by those who made the plaques (or at least those who wrote the text for them, as opposed to those who did the print job) and posters or the people who wrote the script for the audio tour.

Oh, and I could have done without the "kid friendly" themes on half the audio stuff. There were two sets of numbers - the 100's and the 200's - and each was for a different audience. The 100's were for the grown-ups, and didn't include the character antics of a "hero/archeologist and a dead egyptian princess" as the kid version did. But, instead of making separate tracks for each item - thus having a kid tour and an adult tour as they made it sound while we were being herded down the hall to the exhibit - we had a half-caf/half-decaf version so to speak.

I also got tired of the tour presenting information as fact all the time, instead of giving me more information on how they came to such conclusions. I think they should have had a third track altogether - for students. I would have liked that one, I'm sure. I wanted the long, drawn-out, discussion on why they knew that the Ramses II statue had been someone else before being recarved. Oh, they gave reasons - but not with enough information that I felt entirely convinced. I didn't think the carving along the eye that they mentioned as part of their proof looked like anything more than cool detail. And who's to say the artist didn't change his mind partway through and was working on a deadline - thus altering the statue instead of making a fresh one? I wanted my questions answered, so I left feeling slightly unsatisfied in that regard. I wanted more. To be honest, I would likely have even been willing to pay a couple bucks more for it too, if it meant answering my questions.

I would have also liked it if they'd staggered people a little better. It was bad enough being packed into a hallway to wait our turn to be allowed into the exhibit, while being yelled at with instructions by a couple different people along the way. Not that I blamed the instruction-givers, mind you. They had a rough enough job trying to make themselves heard (especially when you know we all wanted to ignore them) over the crowd of people, and had to repeat their little "schpeal" once every four or five minutes. One told us how we couldn't bring stuff in there - like big bags, food, or drinks - which made me very glad we'd bought a cappable soda, as Brian had a deep enough pocket to stuff it away into for the duration of the exhibit, instead of leaving it on some table where anyone could have a) taken a drink out of it, or b) taken off with it. I was also glad I didn't have a bulky diaper bag as they would have made me get a locker or something. Then again, there were too many people in there to move half the time anyway, so big bags would have possibly meant injuries!

Now we get into the previous mention of "violation of my personal space".

People are rude.

I mean really. There's "bastard potential" in all of us I think.

And, if you cluster them together into tiny rooms filled with fragile objects hiding behind glass with small signs to read and little radios to stick next to your ears...

You get people who don't pay attention to the others around them.

Especially if they paid good money to be there.

Bastards, I say! Bastards!

Okay, a lot of it is my own personal issues - I'll admit it - I get slightly panicked when I'm crushed in a crowd of strangers. My eyes start flashing angrily about and I start pinpointing the locations of the nearest exits. I've never stayed in that situation long enough to actually flip out "violence-style", but I know there's potential. Only because I usually do have to go to the mall at least once during the Christmas shopping season. Do NOT ever cut me off in line near the end of a Christmas "shopping day" at the mall. Trust me. Don't wake the demon.

Saturday, one woman nearly startled the demon out of it's slumber. She moved around beside me and didn't see me at first. Then she barely bumped into me, causing me to make a "scuse me" at her so she'd notice what the hell she was doing. She did a twisting turn thing and went around behind me instead, as I stood there trying to read the plaque around about five other people as it was to begin with. I don't know if she was unbalanced or what, but she chose to put her hands on me no less than three times in the process of going around me!

I just hope she was European and didn't know better or something. I've heard they can be more "touchy" over there. Then again, I think they have less perverts, rapists, murderers, and other nasty sorts of people too. Possibly because certain things are more legal there - like prostitution. You're less likely to see rapists, for example, in a country where there are legal call girls or other such services.

But here in America, we like our "personal space". I generally don't like strangers entering it that thoroughly. Jaw clenched, eyes wild, I probably scared her with the look on my face. She mumbled some sort of apology and vanished into the crowd I think. I'm not sure. I was too busy trying to find the two people in the room who are safe to enter my "personal space" without specific permission. That would be why I sat between the two of them during the IMAX. Then I wasn't annoyed by the fact that it was packed. Although the guy in the row behind us had his foot crossed on his leg and it stuck into the screen when I had to look up that far. I kept thinking nasty thoughts at that foot until it finally moved back to the floor where it belonged.

I spent most of the exhibit trying to read plaques in two or three segments if they were more than a sentence long - as anytime I stopped to read for more than two seconds, someone inevitably moved between myself and the subject matter I was looking at. I wanted to hurt someone by the end of the exhibit. I kept finding myself being the submissive one and noticing the people around me. I tried to move to let others peer past me if I could, especially if it was someone obviously my elder or too short to peer 'round my shoulder. But most of the other people there?

Rude, selfish, etc...

*grumble*

The last part of the exhibit was the full-scale recreation of the burial chamber of Pharaoh Thutmose III. On one hand, the recreation of the walls was fascinating, as we could see the story of the 12-hour journey to rebirth explained in hieroglyphics. The audio tour explained, extremely briefly, what it meant. It seemed the highly abridged version though, and again I wanted more.

I also had expected it to look more like what they had found, and not just an oval room with some doors, pillars, and painting on the walls. I had expected a recreation of the tomb, possibly with mummified body or something to be in there, along with some recreations of the other artifacts that had been found within. I think I'd expected them to be recreating it either as it had been found or as they expected it had looked just before it had been sealed. That would have been cooler. Despite the deep meaning in the journey and afterlife information we got a small glimpse of, the burial chamber was actually a somewhat anti-climactic end after the magnificent real relics we'd only just seen.

But hey... that's just my opinion. Long-winded though it is.

Okay. I'll stop now. I've got other stuff to chat about, but that's the lot on the Saturday Review. I'll save the other little tidbits of my life (like new pictures I have for uploading!) for later.

G'night!

RaynDragon. And all that it implies...

This post has been coming for a while now, but I was too lazy to look up and refresh my memory on the meaning of a few words first:

From dictionary.com:

id n.
In Freudian theory, the division of the psyche that is totally unconscious and serves as the source of instinctual impulses and demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs.

e·go n. pl. e·gos
1) The self, especially as distinct from the world and other selves.
2) In psychoanalysis, the division of the psyche that is conscious, most immediately controls thought and behavior, and is most in touch with external reality.
a) An exaggerated sense of self-importance; conceit.
b) Appropriate pride in oneself; self-esteem.

su·per·e·go n. pl. su·per·e·gos
In Freudian theory, the division of the unconscious that is formed through the internalization of moral standards of parents and society, and that censors and restrains the ego.

Now that we've defined these, let me redefine myself as the following instead:

Rayn n. (also sometimes Rayne, Rain, or Ra1n)
In my own (Amyan) theory, the division of my unconscious that has suffered from a lack of true childhood. Also sometimes known as my "fairy" side, this portion of my psyche is both playful and whimsical, often unrestrained when activities such as puddle-jumping (especially during rainstorms) or blowing bubbles are introduced. Rayn is also very like lightning - excited, bright, and constantly zig-zagging about looking for the next place to strike. See also: "Inner Child".

Drag·on n. (also sometimes Drag0n, previously known as Bird)
In Amyan theory, the division of my unconscious that asserts itself in an effort to dominate. The Dragon is most commonly the strong and self-assured among the psyche, and is frequently seen when defense of others close to Amy is required. The Dragon is wise and strong. The Dragon stands tall against adversity and soars proudly, high in the sky.Note: This psyche has replaced the former one known as Bird (see also: RainBird, Rnbrd1), who had wings but could not fly quite as strong or high as the powerful dragon.

A·my n. (also sometimes Sister, Hon, and Amy-My-Love, and Mommy)
In Amyan theory, this division is the most predominant within the psyche. Although bolstered by those previously mentioned, the Amy is the most conscious of the unconscious and attempts to maintain balance between the Rayn and the Dragon. Frequently, the Amy thwarts the attempts of the others by shutting down altogether and doing what will please the majority around her instead of what the Amy really wants. At the moment, the Amy is the "doormat" personality, attempting to maintain some cleanliness of self whilst still letting others wipe their muddy boots on her. Amy hopes to move to the front door (less used than the side door) one day - see also: "Therapy".

In conclusion, we have an ongoing process of finding a balance between the varying psyches within my overall "person". There is, also, the more "spiritual" me, who merely smiles and continues to remind me that "It's all good."

There ya go.

Now why do I feel like I ought to follow this up with a flowchart or PowerPoint presentation?

Don't worry. I won't.

Symbols...

I find it interesting that I now wear a "symbol" representing something spiritual. In the past, I've felt somewhat uncomfortable wearing most symbols (the exception being a Celtic knot that a friend gave me that symbolized either protection or luck - I forget), mostly as I felt they were representations of faiths that don't mesh enough with my own beliefs for me not to feel like a hypocrite wearing them. The cross is one obvious example, as it's distinctly a symbol, for so many, of Jesus Christ and the crucifixion (am I supposed to capitalize crucifixion too? *shrug*).

Since I don't believe that Jesus Christ was any more "god's son" than any of us are, I feel that his crucifixion was part of his experience and the experiences of those around him at the time and don't necessarily hold a bearing on my own life. He sounds like he was probably a guy who had a vision of his own and tried too hard to share it with people who weren't really ready to hear him. I feel sorry for the guy, being nailed to a cross had to have sucked, but hey - he also got to do that whole "coming back to life" thing supposedly, so that's kind of cool.

Not enough to make me start worshiping some stranger though.

The symbol I've chosen to wear around my neck is one that called out to me as having imagery that represented my spiritual beliefs for me. My "cross" represents infinity, my soul, my connection to everyone and everything everywhere, and my own individuality. It feels full of energy and life for me - a single burning flame amidst the blaze of the night watchfire.

I didn't believe that "symbols" of one's religion should be necessary until now. After all, you either believe it or you don't - why should you have to "remind" yourself by wearing something dangling about your neck? I still don't think they are "necessary", however I understand now why some people choose to wear them all the time.

I was rinsing the buckets (empty cat litter buckets) that we use for "diaper pails" to hold the cloth diapers until wash day today. It's a tedious task that I chose to take on when I chose to do cloth diapers. I have to haul the three buckets (three makes them easier to carry though, as opposed to one big one that I wouldn't be able to carry) down two short flights of stairs to the basement and dump them into the washer. I start the rinse cycle running and then go back upstairs to rinse out and refill the buckets in our bathtub. I then dry the outsides of the buckets off and add some detergent for the next set of dirty diapers to soak in. I replace the buckets and return the detergent, checking to see if it's time to start the regular wash run on the load yet...

It's one of those "housewife" chores. I don't dislike this one as much as I do the regular laundry day which I generally despise. As I was leaned over rinsing out the buckets, my pendant bumped against my chin. I had this warm, reassuring feeling wash over me as I was reminded momentarily of my beliefs. This was just one moment, part of the experience, meant to be enjoyed in all it's tedium and banality. It's all good.

I understand, now, why people wear their crosses and other symbols of spiritual belief. I get it. And I'll wear mine with that much more pride for the understanding of it. After all, that too is part of my experience.

Infinite Souls (part 2)

Yesterday was part 1, the first thing I wrote after having the epiphany. Sometime last year, I wrote again - another effort to begin writing all of it down, as I still felt so strongly in my beliefs. This is that second effort:

During the month of my 30th birthday, I saw my soul reflected in a falling raindrop. I lunged forward, the drop splashing across my fingers. As the dampness seeped into my skin, I saw. For the first time in my life, I understood. I knew the meaning of life as it pertains to me. And though the water sifted away between my fingers, the residue has stayed with me. I have moments of perfect clarity, total understanding of my place in this universe. I cannot fully explain what I now know – each person must find it for his or herself. I can only explain how I see it, and hope that it will help another understand it, when they are ready to see it too. Not all are ready. We all walk the path alone, yet in perfect harmony with one another. Since my realization, my “mantra� is this:

learn
grow
be

Life is, in many ways, an illusion. It’s all part of an elaborate self-development, and we all perceive it differently. Like fingerprints, there are no two of us alike. We’ve had different experiences, and different emotions during those experiences we’ve shared. We are in this life now because we chose to be. When united with our soul, after our last journey, we made decisions about what we wanted to experience next and chose what kind of life we needed to lead in order to have those experiences and learn from them. I chose this life. The good and the bad. I only hope I am learning all that I can from it.

When thinking about this, I address death. The end of this journey. Is this a bad thing? I now think upon death, not as the end of this life, but as a beginning of a new journey. People who grieve for those who have died are not actually grieving for the one who died, but are really grieving for their own loss.

Reincarnation is not all that simple either. Many people see reincarnation as someone coming back to this journey for a different experience. In some cases, this will be true, but I cannot see it as limited by that. Perhaps in my next life I’ll choose to be the unfortunate alien who lands on a hostile planet, or maybe I’ll just be a piece of space dust for a bit, or even a six-dimensional frog. It all depends on what I feel will give me the experience I need next. What I need to do to learn the next lesson.

Some people would rather use “heaven� and “hell� for where the “dead� go next. It could really be either. If you feel you’ve “sinned� in this life and need the experience of paying for those sins then you might very well create your next journey to be a bit “hellish�. Or perhaps you’ll want the next life to be a bit more serene or whatever your version of “heaven� would be, to give yourself a change from your perception of this one. In a way, most aspects of most religions seem to merely mirror what I’ve seen within myself. It’s all a matter of how you perceive it, as well as what it is you need yourself to perceive.

Some might argue that I am suggesting that life is merely something we are “along for the ride� on. I feel that is missing the point. We chose already. We decided ahead of time how this life should be, so yes, we are along for the ride. But what we do have control over is how much we gain from this experience. If we don’t learn and grow from this journey, we can only expect to repeat it later on. I want to keep learning. To keep growing. To truly be. And if there is a point where I spend my time just “being� infinite – I want to know that I am all that I should be, could be, wanted myself to be. I want to be able to take pride in a lesson well learned.

Infinite Souls (part 1)

Yesterday was the preface. Now, to truly dive in, I will drop in this newly edited version of something I wrote just after having my "epiphany" in April of 2002. I've made a few changes to it, to hopefully make it read more clearly...

INFINITE SOULS

We are infinite. A difficult concept to wrap our minds around. We are the essence of our souls, the soul being the part of us that is the infinite being. We are not human, or alien, not black or white, not Christian or Jewish. We do not fit into any one little niche within the universe. We have no beginning or end. We were never born and we will never die. We are immortal on both ends of the spectrum. We are endless.

We seek the answer to life, with each life we journey through, but the answer IS the journey. We learn. We grow. That is why we are here now and that is why we were there before and why we will be there then. We learn and grow.

In this current life, this current plane that we exist in now, we are meant to learn something. Something that will help us grow and experience. In the next life we will be given a new task. It will not end, we will not run out of tasks to complete, reasons to exist, for we never have before. We cannot. Each minute of this life, each moment, that we breathe and smell and see and hear and taste, is part of our being. Part of the reason we exist. So breathe in, taste the air, and let it imprint on your memory, your soul and impact your future.

Each cause and effect that occurs in this life, no matter how trivial, affects us permanently for this life and each one forever into the future. We have no nice little box within which we exist, no point where the line begins and ends that we can identify to make sense of. We learn, we grow, we move on the next journey within which we learn and grow again in a different way.

We are each part of the intricate universe and, in order to better wrap our minds around that universe and it's infinity, we have named it God. We give it a personality with similarities to ourselves in order to help us make rhyme and reason of it. In order to help us not be afraid. In this life, this plane, we fear our infinity, yet we also cling to it. We create "heaven" a place to follow death where we will BE infinite and in that creation we no longer have to fear infinity. We believe in that next place, that "heaven" as being better than what we are experiencing now. That's because it WILL be. "Heaven" is not a place, but is the next life. And we will take with us what we have learned in this one and the next life will be better for it. If we do not grow, do not learn from this life, we might re-live it, in order to gain the lesson that we truly needed ourselves to learn during this one. It is really an endless journey of self-actualization.

For instance, one person might finish this life thinking he or she left no real "mark", no impact on those around them to the extent they might have desired. Perhaps it was really a matter of needing that experience. Perhaps he or she needed to go through a life of anonymity. If that same person, at the end of their journey, still felt content with how they lived that journey, with what they learned, with who they were, then that anonymity was a lesson they learned. They learned to be happy with the person they were. Perhaps they learned that the desire itself was unnecessary. Each person's journey is their own, but at the same time each person's journey is intertwined with everyone else's. We are all one, united and intermixing with each other in the universe. The universe is infinite, but so is time, and we will all travel through it together.

Imagine, if you will, what it would be like if the world was two-dimensional. It is hard to wrap one's mind around a world where there was height and width, but no depth. We, in this plane, in this moment of our existence, live in a three-dimensional world. We cannot see the two dimensional. Everything we see and touch has depth to it. So those who are living within that two-dimensional plane cannot see us either, as they cannot imagine what depth is. Imagine, if you will, a world with a fourth dimension. Height, width, depth and another - perhaps time as a dimension, since that is one that we've mentally explored within this dimension but still cannot grasp our minds around completely. Hence, we cannot move ourselves forwards and backwards through time at will. Perhaps, when we've learned enough and reached our next level, our next plane of existence, we will find that time is that next dimension. Or perhaps it is something else, something that we cannot yet grasp within our current three-dimensional existence.

The very idea of infinity can make one feel small and insignificant. Whether or not the universe ends or it began at some point is something we try to find out. We even look to the skies and try to find where it began. But we will not find it. It did not begin, it's always been here. It will always be here. The universe is not in the sky, where we look, but within us. We are the universe. Perhaps this is why many wish to place us as the center of it. Instead of feeling small in an infinite universe, we should take comfort in its unending vastness. It wraps around us like a warm blanket. There is no end. With the idea of end comes fear. Death is not the end. It is the beginning of the next journey, whether it is one similar to this one where we travel in a three-dimensional world and continue to learn the lessons that need to be learned from that three-dimensional plane, or we travel on to a four-dimensional plane to learn to understand the constraints that such a plane might place upon us.

The example of different dimensions is merely used to help grasp it, really. To help put some of the proverbial "box" around the idea of infinity in order to better understand. Perhaps there is an "end" to the actual growth and learning process. Perhaps it comes when we are fully self-actualized and can accept our infinity. When we can exist without our boxes. But that does not mean an end to our soul, our being. No. We will always be. We always have.

Another example would be the feeling of deja-vu. Suppose that you reached the end of one journey but did not feel that you learned what you needed to from it. That you were not ready to move on to another experience. You would re-live that journey with the knowledge you have gained from the last. The knowledge that travels within us, in our souls. Within that next journey, you would live it differently but with the same goal, and perhaps have added more to learn as well. In order to accomplish that original goal, you would find that you experience deja-vu from time to time. You might experience something where you were sure that you'd done it before even though it was impossible for you to have done so within this lifetime. These would be good things to watch and especially learn from, as they are part of the intricate pattern we have laid out for ourselves during this lifetime. Part, even in some small way, of what we are trying to teach ourselves at the moment.

The best thing to do is to attempt to gain all you can from this life. Learn all you can from each experience you have. Whether a good or bad experience, it will teach a lesson, leave a mark upon your soul. You will take it with you into the next journey and although you may not remember it in any detail while you are there, you will remember in your soul and it will have an impact. Everything we do, everything we see, touch, taste, smell and hear, everything we are in this life, will leave an impact within us forever. Everything we are comes from what we have learned so far. Tomorrow, you will be different again from what you are today. Revel in that.

Know that each day makes us better, stronger, more able to grow to actualization. Believe in yourself, because you already DO believe in yourself. You sent yourself here. You asked for this life. Make of it what you will and when it is over, you will decide if you gained all that you needed out of it or not. Listen to your soul, for it is who you are. Listen to those around you, for their souls are there as well, helping you learn just as much as they are learning themselves. The bodies we use are just vessels, tools with which we learn. As we grow, perhaps we will become more and more connected to our souls within each journey. As we come closer to accepting who we are. As we come closer to existing within our infinity.

Within this plane, this three-dimensional existence, we have some who are closer than others to being able to communicate with either their own souls, or other souls on different journeys that don?t fully exist in our current plane. Perhaps we can use the example of someone who can "talk to the dead". There are those who seem to truly have this ability. But if there is no true death, then imagine a plane of "dead" people, existing there within their current journey and part of their journey is to talk to us through those people. Their souls are helping the souls of the ones who can talk to them to learn and grow within this plane. Their souls are helping those who've needed to seek out those who can speak to them. Each soul helping the other to grow and learn in their current journey. Remember, too, that we are all connected.

There is no free will except for within ourselves. We have decided already. We have woven the intricate webs of our lives for our own benefit and for the benefit of others. We affect every single person around us, even if it's just a moment where eyes meet, or elbows touch in passing. We are part of eachother and one with ourselves. Do not overanalyze. If you spend every moment living self-actualized you might not fully experience all that you are here to enjoy. Just live.

Learn.
Grow.
Be.

The Beginning...

I've been trying to decide how to begin putting down my spiritual beliefs here in this weblog. It's not easy, even with only a few people reading this, to put your soul out there for debate - even among mostly family and friends.

At one point, however, I remember having a very in-depth conversation about spiritual beliefs at one of the Sunday dinners at my In-law's home. The conversation went rather well, I think, but what sticks out the most for me is what my mother-in-law said to me at the end of the evening:

"I had no idea you were so deep." she said.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind at that moment, a little voice was screaming at me - "WHAT??? What, does everyone think I'm some sort of shallow, selfish BITCH??? Is THIS representative of what my husband's family THINKS of me??? AAAAARRGH!!"

I continued to beat my self up mentally for some time over that one comment, which I know SHE meant as a compliment - NOT something for me to agonize over. Which, of course, is how I am. I don't know why it is that no one seems able to talk to me directly if they have some issue with me, but apparently I must be unapproachable on some level. I always thought I was a pretty open book. I don't know. *throws hands up in the air in dismay*

So, I've been waiting for MY little moment to speak... my little chance to talk about those things that matter, those things I've discovered, those things that form my own answer to that really tough question:

"What is the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?"

It's a doozer of a question, but I've found the answer to it for myself. It's not going to be what everyone else (or maybe anyone else) is ready for and so some people might get all upset at me and try to tell me I'm wrong. But I'm not wrong. It's right for me. It's part of MY experience. It's part of YOUR experience to believe whatever it is you need to believe right now. It's all good. I've had my moment of true clarity, and I am confident in my beliefs.

But I'm not going to bombard you in one big post... I thought I'd start with a poem I drudged up when looking for some of the stuff I typed up at the time that I "realized" my "why". This was one of those poems that built up over the course of a day, like a bubble rising to the surface - then I got to my keyboard and it burst out onto the page. Sort of a preface, if you will:

BEING ABOUT BEING

Yesterday,
I had the fair fortune to follow
As two clouds fused, and became as one

This morning,
I glimpsed the glorious gaze
Of the golden sun, upon glassy water

This afternoon,
I marveled at the miracle
Of a magnificent crow, soaring down to a sea of pavement

Perhaps tomorrow,
I shall take the time to observe
Each blade of grass as it bows obediently before the breeze

For I learn,
not from people,
not from places,
not from events,
nor things,
nor concepts.

For I learn,
From all that teach,
From all that breathe,
From all that are,
From all that exist,
From encompassed whole.

I learn,
I grow
And thus…

I know.

I learn,
I see,
And thus…

I be.

9/12/02 – Amy M. Howard